Help Me Understand (Formerly, I'm OK, You Suck)

It's A Bear Stearns Market!!!! Look Out!!!!

2008-03-18T11:26:00.002-04:00

It's a Bear Stearns Market!!!! Look Out!!!!!

Ok. Pretty weird. I wake up on Monday and find out that Bear Stearns has been bought by JP Morgan for $2 per share. Bear Stearns has been a top notch investment banking firm for 85 years. Last year, its stock was selling at $172 per share. This year, it had been selling for $30 per share. Now, it is sold for $2 per share and it seems like the deal just popped up overnight.

JP Morgan has, of course, offered to guarantee all trading until the Bear Stearns shareholders approve the deal. What does that mean? Guarantee. Sounds like Mr. Potter calling Harry Bailey during the bank run to say that he would guarantee all the accounts at the Savings and Loan. Wow. What's really going on?

Then, the Fed announces that it has cut the emergency lending rate to 3.25%, dropping it a quarter of a point even before it's regularly scheduled meeting. The Fed never does that. But it has now. Rumor has it that they will drop the emergency lending rate to 2.0% today. Sniff the air........ The smell of a financial meltdown is wafting down the corridors of the Fed. People are frightened, and they are frightened about what could happen. The Fed has been frightened into dropping rates even before their meeting. Their immediate and unparalleled action doesn't quell my concerns, it only heightens them.

People have made casual comments about the crash of '29, but for the first time, I think that there is some real fear that the US Economy may nosedive from its already compromised position. I hope I'm wrong. I pray that I'm wrong. But isn't it a little weird that a company announces that it has accepted a buyout offer at $2 per share and their workers showed up for work on Monday morning to find out about the sale when the rest of us did? Deals like this traditionally take a long time to work out. A fire sale price of a company that survived the Great Depression being announced on Monday morning (taking everyone, including Bear Stearn employees, by surprise) smacks of desperation.

Hoping I'm Wrong,

Blawgerman

Being a Prophet is a Lonely Thing

2008-03-18T08:44:00.003-04:00

Being a Prophet is a Lonely Thing.

Well, I hate to say "I told you so," but .......I told you so. I am reprinting a blog that I wrote in April of 2006 and I invite any and all of you to tell me what I got wrong. The topic? Oh, those billionaires at the Oil Companies.......

Here we go, and remember, I wrote this two years ago:

What’s That Sucking Sound? Oil Companies Sucking the Life Out of Us!

Big news!!!!

Oil companies suck. No surprise, I guess. But I feel the need to spew. I saw a most disturbing sight this afternoon. On my way home, I looked up and was amazed at how many people were lined up at the local BP gas station. No one was at the Shell station across the street. The reason? Shell was at $2.89 per gallon and BP was at the lowly price of just $2.69 per gallon. The size of the line reminded me of the gas rationing of the 70's (yes, I am that old).The sight just sickened me. We are already conditioned to think that $2.69 per gallon is a deal worth lining up for!!!

Anyway, I’m getting mad thinking of my Republican friends who worship at the altar of “market forces.” Well, Market Force this........In my previous blogs I mentioned that no new oil refineries had been built in the US for the past 25 years and, in fact, numerous refineries have been shut down during that time! There is no oil shortage, there is a refinery shortage in the US. With the limited refining capacity, what incentive is there for the big oil companies to invest in more refineries? Easy. ZERO.Why should they? They have us by the collective short hairs. They have posted record profits (36 Billion last quarter alone!) during this “crisis.” They are just fine with the refinery shortage. Any threatened disruption causes a 25 cent price spike. The oil companies just pass that along (and more). It certainly doesn’t harm their bottom line, so what do they care? What have our Republican President and Congress done about this “shortage?” Zip. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. The big ZERO.

Of course, what can they say? Market forces........market forces...........market forces...........market forces........... It’s kinda like a mantra.........until it bites you in the butt. What should they do? Easy. Nationalize the oil industry. Regulate the industry. Build some national oil refineries. Any of these options take the big oil companies out of the price-rigging business. Since all of the oil companies are acting in concert, the US must do one of the above. Why let big oil companies dictate prices to us? They are affecting our national politics and economy and are apparently above the law (since nothing is being done to them). To drive prices down, there must be more refining capacity in the US and there is no incentive for the oil companies to do that. So, you can stick your head in the sand and hope somehow for relief from the high oil prices. Unfortunately, the truth is that there is no incentive for any of the companies to help us.

Blawgerman

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder (?)

2008-03-17T16:25:00.005-04:00

Well, I'm back.

Personal issues have sidetracked me for a long time. Today, for the first time in a while, I believe that my head is back on straight, and I have enough interest in the outside world to care once again. So.....hold on tight, 'cause the blogging is about to begin......

Blawgerman

Back At Ya! (Help Me Understand Back Pain)

2006-12-13T14:52:00.000-05:00

Yo, Dawgs! (Oops, my rapper personality temporarily took over)

You know, sometimes I am so smart I just outdo myself. Like heating my home. Last year I went out and bought a new outdoor wood furnace. I'm thinking that my heat bill will plummet and that I will get some much needed exercise. Well, that has been true. But I am finding that I didn't quite think everything out.

First, my house was built in 1853. That's like a long time ago. They didn't have things like insulation, plumbing, wiring, etc. Fortunately, they did a really crappy job in blowing in insulation in the house in the 1960s. Now, when the walls are taken off, you can see that the insulation has settled into the bottom half of the walls. Great. My house is half-insulated. My only consolation is that when I turn on the heat, all of my city goes up at least one degree!! Who says I'm not doing my part?

Anyway, my gas bill dropped from $420 per month year round (payment plan) to $36. I am so smart! Well, kinda. What I didn't think about was just exactly how much wood I would have to cut, split, and stack. At last count, I have burned the equivalent of at least two rainforests worth of wood. Burning isn't even so bad. Imagine, stacking a rainforest's worth of wood. Then imagine taking the wood off of the stack just to throw it in the woodstove. All the while, please remember that each piece of wood weighs about, oh lets see, 200 pounds! Day and night I feed the outdoor woodstove beast. Day and night it needs feeding. Hundreds and thousands of pounds of wood! All lifted at least twice (sometimes more if I took it out of the woods) by yours truly.

See, one of the assumptions is that I would be able to do the wood everyday. That assumption held true until last night. Last night, I filled the wheelbarrel up with enough wood to last through the night and into the next day. When I went to pick up the wheelbarrel, something went "boing" in my back. Great. Immediately I am hunched over like Marty Feldman in Young Frankenstein!

I gently tossed the wood I had into the stove and hobbled back into the house. Being a tough guy (redundant?), I laughed in the face of pain and went to bed. Three sleepless hours later I realized I should have taken the heaviest pain killer we had, but I was so sore I could not bring myself to go downstairs for some much-needed relief. I did, however, learn that exhaustion eventually cancels out the pain.....so I slept a little.

Next morning? Well, let me put it this way............well, I better not. Suffice it to say that it was not a pretty sight seeing me drag my carcass out of bed and stumble down the steps. There are many things that you don't think about day to day until your lower back gives out. Really practical things become very difficult. Let's just say that going to the bathroom becomes a chore (and I will let your imagination run with that one......quite the mental image, eh?).

Well, I write as one taken down by the ravages of back pain. Done in by a wheelbarrel. Stumped by stumps. Beseiged by the common tree. I write as one chastized by mother nature, who seems to be quite unhappy with the way I'm destroying her trees and belching out sooty smoke into her atmosphere.

I guess it's easy to wax eloquent when back pain limits you to one sitting position for the whole day. Fortunately, (or maybe not so fortunately for you) it was a position suitable for typing. So I bid you goodbye, and may you stay warm without the need for trees!

Painfully Yours,

Blawgerman

OK. The Old Name Sucks. Time for a New Name.

2006-12-07T10:18:00.000-05:00

Ok. Ok already.

The old name sucked. I know. That's why I liked it.

But change is inevitable. My new title is "Help Me Understand." I find myself asking that question over and over again when people come to me for help. Help me understand why you _____________________ (fill in the blank with some incredibly dumb act). The funny thing is, most people don't even understand why they do what they do, so they really are of no help. But that won't stop me from asking the question!

I thought about changing the name to "The Blog Formerly Known As I'm Ok, You Suck," but maybe that would be drawing too much from Prince or the artist formerly known as prince or whatever he's calling himself now.

So, I'm ready to continue the adventure.....................

Blawgerman

Even More Least Likely Books........

2006-06-29T09:30:00.000-04:00

Even More Least Likely Books..................

How to Run a Winning NBA Team..................Isiah Thomas

Smart Motorcycling..............................Ben Rothlesberger

My IQ and My Tire Inflation Pressure Are Not the Same.................Dale, Jr. (Sara, I wonder which one is higher, ‘cause I hear that tire inflation can be as high as 60 PSI?)

Clutch Soccer When It Counts...................................US World Cup Soccer Team

Making $40,000,000 While Doing Nothing.......................Larry Brown

A Dummy’s Guide to College Parties...............................Duke Lacrosse Team

Smart Golf on the 18th Hole.................................................Phil Mickelson

Making $125,000,000 While Playing a Kid’s Game.................Alex Rodriguez

Responsible Gambling.......................John Daly and Charles Barkley (Forward by Janet Gretzky and Michael Jordan)

Hey, I Was Responsible First and Should Be in the Hall of Fame..................Pete Rose

Sportingly Yours,

Blawgerman

Shortage? What Shortage?.........Sucks to Be Out of Gas.

2006-06-28T15:17:00.000-04:00

Shortage. What Shortage?

Okay. I know I write about this alot.....but it never seems to end. Gas shot up to $3.09 this afternoon from its formerly “low” price of $2.79. There’s a “shortage,” I’m told. Interesting.

When’s the last time you went to the gas station and they told you, “Whoa, guy. There ain’t no gas left. We’re plumb out. Try next Tuesday!?”

My guess is that you haven’t heard that during our “gas crisis.” Well, that’s because there is no shortage. All it is is a manufactured crisis orchestrated by the very people who profit from the high prices.

Everyday, millions of gallons of gas are being pumped into cars and there has been no shortages or outages from any gas stations that I’ve heard about. Life goes on as usual, except that gas prices are through the roof, oil companies profits are beyond outrageous, and inflation is rearing its ugly head because gas prices are being passed on to consumers.

The government? Well, they do things like lowering the federal gas tax on ethanol and biodiesel fuels. But the problem with “lowering” the taxes is that the taxpayers have to make up the shortage. So again, we are paying indirectly for the higher gas prices and we are again subsidizing Shell, Mobil, and the rest of the oil guys.

I don’t know. Our government is like the Wizard of Oz. They are behind the curtain bellowing “Cut gas prices or you will be in trouble!!! I am the Wizard!!!! You will be harmed!!!!” All the while, the oil execs are looking under the curtain and laughing at the little guy (uncle sam) who has absolutely no power over them.

$3.09. It’s a good thing that the yellow brick road is a walking path.

Ozly Yours,

Blawgerman

The Answer My Friend Is Blowing in the Wind

2006-06-12T14:09:00.000-04:00

The Answer, My Friend, Is Blowing in the Wind.................Sucks to Walk Through Chest-High Grass......

Grass and me.......... Grass and I....... Grass and myself.......... Well, we just don’t get along. My last blog dealt with the evil grass at my father’s house. This one deals with the chest-high grass gently blowing in the wind at a property that I purchased last year, which, coincidently, was the last time the grass was mowed there. That’s right. Last year.

The story goes something like this:

Years ago, Husband obtains two “project” boats. Husband has more “vision” than brains or time. Project boats become fixtures in the back yard. Plants grow inside the boats. Wife becomes increasingly agitated with permanent lawn ornaments. Son is graduating. Wife demands boat relocation to new property. Out of sight, out of mind. Husband has just a little brain matter. Moves boats.

There you have it. The boats were “put out to pasture,” so to speak. As a friend and I moved the boats, we had to walk around in the chest high grass. As we were walking, the grass was breaking and blowing seeds, spores, dust, pollen and all sorts of nasty stuff up and into my lungs, nose, eyes, ears, and face. By the time I drove the 15 miles back home, my eyes had swollen almost shut (“Cut me, Mick!”) and the whites of my eyes turned an insidious, hell-red color. I looked like a vampire from a grade B horror flick.

I went to the drugstore and bought benadryl pills and liquids. I sucked down two pills and drank a bunch more of the stuff than was actually useful. The swelling around my eyes began to slowly subside. I went to McDonald’s for lunch. The drive-through person looked at me like I was from another planet (I wasn’t). I resisted the urge to say, “Dude, I got the munchies!” I got back to the office and started feeling bad. Then the benadryl kicked in. People would ask me how I felt and I’d say, “purple.” They’d look at me funny. I’d say, “Listen, if you don’t want to know how I feel, don’t ask!” Finally, my agents asked me to go home because I had outlasted my usefulness at the office. I left.

That night, my temperature spiked to 103.8 degrees! I drank fluids and felt miserable. I finally fell asleep at 3:30 am only to wake up drenched in sweat like I had just run a marathon. Great. I flushed the fever and will be back to ok...............wrong. Next night, the same old thing. I call the allergist. He says something like this...................... “Let’s see.................you have allergies to grasses.........you just walked through chest-high wild grasses in the middle of the height of grass and hay fever allergy systems!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me think.........................”

I never get a real doctor. I just seem to get out-of-work comedians. Anyway, now I’m sucking down steroids in an attempt to quell the grass-related uprising in my body.

Ah well, just like my other steroid-sucking friend says...........“I’ll be back.”

Steroidingly Yours

Blawgerman

Sucks to Have One of Those Days......

2006-06-02T18:18:00.000-04:00

Sucks to Have One of Those Days...........

We’ve all had ‘em. One of those days when it feels like you’re skating uphill...in molasses.

Well, yesterday I went to my Dad’s house to cut the grass. It’s a pretty small yard. However, since his death, I’m finding it difficult to go to the house. Well, what that means is that I have neglected cutting the grass. By neglect, I mean that the grass was about waist high. That looks real great in the city!!! My Dad’s neighbor called to “remind” me that if the city comes and cuts the grass, they send out a bill for $500 bucks!

After driving three hours, I got out of the Suburban and into my Dad’s house. I changed clothes and was gearing up to cut the waist-high wasteland. I thought things were going my way when the lawn mower started on the first pull! My Dad’s lawn mower is gas-powered and self-propelled. That bad boy started hacking away grass in a hurry!

As I was zipping along in the front yard, I smelled something funny. Looking down, I saw smoke coming from the engine. I shut her off and checked the oil. Nothing. I filled it up and started her up again. Three minutes later.....smoke. I looked closely at the engine. Oil was pouring out of a crack in the engine. Great. You know me. Joe Gearhead. I wouldn’t know how to fix the thing if I had my own mechanic telling me what to do!

Of course, knowing that you know nothing never stops you from trying. So, there I am, 7:00 pm on a Thursday evening with a lawn mower that is hemorrhaging oil. My Dad’s neighbor comes with tools. He doesn’t know how to use them. Awesome. Dumb and Dumber trying to fix the mower. It becomes apparent after about five nanoseconds that the lawn mower is not going to be fixed. The neighbor asks if I want to borrow his lawn mower. “Yes,” I replied.

He brings over an electric lawn mower with about a thousand foot cord. The cord weighs more than the mower. I plug it in and it makes a little bitty ‘hmmmmmmm’ sound. I push the lawn mower into the waist-high grass and discover it is not self-propelled. In fact, all it seemed to do was push the grass down. When I pulled the mower back toward me, it cut some of the grass. I had to do each swath twice! I think that I could have chewed the grass off faster than I was cutting! Oh, yea, the cord kept falling out of the mower, so there I was trying to push the mower with one hand and hold the cord in the mower with the other hand and keep from running over the million foot cord with the other hand!

Did I mention that the grass was high? So high that I spooked a rabbit. Wildlife in Detroit! I think it was like 1900 AD or so the last time a rabbit was spotted in our neighborhood.

Did I mention that high grass is a breeding ground for mosquitos? Well, let me put it this way, I had two mosquitos land on my nose because every available spot on each arm and leg was being taken up by their blood-sucking relatives!

Three and one-half hours later, I was done with a lawn that used to take me 30 minutes to do with a real lawn mower. Sweaty, beaten-down, and mosquito-infested, I finally hit the shower. You can’t wash off mosquito bites! I stood in the shower telling myself that I really needed to thank my neighbor for lending me his electric lawn annoyer (it didn’t cut the grass, it just really annoyed it). I also had to thank him for the 1000 foot cord and what a neat time I had raveling and unraveling it. Then I looked out at the grass. It looked like the lawn was attacked by a drunk, half-blind barber with dull shears!

Ah, well. I’ll either buy a new lawn mower or invest in goats.

Mosquito-ly Yours,

Blawgerman

Sucks to Be Charlie Brown.............

2006-04-26T15:43:00.000-04:00

Sucks to Be Charlie Brown........

Lucy. What a Chick!

She wants to hold the football for Charlie to kick. Problem is, Charlie doesn’t believe her because the last million or so times, she has pulled the ball back just as Charlie is about to kick it, sending him flat on his back. She begs. She pleads. Eventually, Charlie, being ever so forgiving and trusting (naive?), relents and runs up to boot the ball.......well, you know what happens.

Here’s my problem. I just realized that I am Charlie Brown.

What do I mean? Well, as the fog in my head comes and goes due to the fact that I stayed up until 2:30 am last night watching hockey, I have moments of relative clarity. In those moments, I realize by “Charlie-Browness.” See, the Red Wings won the President’s Cup for the best regular season record this year. They got the record for wins on the road. They won everything in sight during the regular season. They face the team with the worst record of all playoff teams in the first round of the playoffs. Lord Stanley himself would put big money on the Wings, that is, if he were still alive.

At somewhere around 2:20 am, the Edmonton Oilers scored a sudden-death overtime goal to hand the Red Wings their second loss of the series. We are down 2-1 in the best of 7 series. Worse, though, is the fact that the Red Wings are playing like they are thinking about their tee times instead of the Stanley Cup. I trudged up to bed at 2:30 am muttering and thinking of bad words.

This morning, I got up at 6:00 am, my mind a sluggish, gooey mess from lack of sleep and Red Wings induced depression. As I nursed my first cup of coffee (the first of many, many, cups), I had my Charlie Brown epiphany. As the sun rose, a brilliant ray of sunshine shone down upon me. The skies cleared, and I believe I heard a chorus of angels. In that moment, I realized that the Red Wings were Lucy. They are the ones that tempted me and begged me and cajoled me to watch them win the Stanley Cup. They are the ones that told me to forget about the early playoff losses in the last two years despite their outstanding records. They are the ones who told me to forget my vow to never waste time watching playoff hockey again. And, to make things worse, they succeeded! Last night at 2:19 am I was running furiously toward the ball, set to kick it for all it was worth. At 2:20 am, the ball was lifted and I landed flat on my back. That is where I remain today (in a figurative sense).

Let’s see, the next game is Thursday night. Wonder where I’ll be?

Blawgerman

Quick Response to Sucking Economy Blog

2006-04-20T09:57:00.000-04:00

Man, I got a quick response on the last blog. Here's what it says:

"Hey Blawgerman, you have something very wrong. The new minimum wage law was a very "sudden" change by the republican's, it was their bill and law. The Republican bill has greater increase wages, in a shorter time frame than the one the Dems were attempting to put on the general ballot in November. Why would the republican's suddenly change their position and push the bill through? You should give the proper credit to the party for the bill. Yes, the gov did sign the bill..."

Hey, I'm very willing to spread the blame to the Republicans and Democrats alike. I still would have liked Jennifer to veto that bad boy.

Correctedly yours,

Blawgerman

We're Movin' On Up! Didn't it Suck to Be Last?

2006-04-20T08:25:00.000-04:00

We’re Movin’ Up!!!!!!

Great news!!!!

Michigan’s economy is no longer last among the 50 states!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!!! Way to go Jennifer Granholm!!!! WE ROCK. Didn’t it suck to be last?

Well, maybe we don't rock. But it is good not to be dead last. I mean, we could be like Louisiana and recovering from a massive hurricane and the destruction of a major city. Something like that could make us 50th (like they are). Or maybe Microsoft skips the $4 Billion bonuses this year and makes it look like our economy and personal incomes are dropping (like what happened in Washington state – now 49th in the nation).

But what’s our excuse? No weather tragedy. No Microsoft. What’s the reason that we are 48th?

Better yet, what are we doing about it?

Well, it looks like we are going to raise the minimum wage. Great idea. We want to be “employer friendly” and attract employers. What’s the best way? Ratchet up the minimum wage. You betcha! Let’s not go up a little, either. Let’s jack that baby way up. The new minimum wage will be $7.15 per hour in two years. I bet companies are just lining up to get some of this stuff!

We already have the worst unemployment rate in the country at 7.3%. Some economists can “prove” that for every 10% increase in a minimum wage, there is a corresponding 1% increase in the unemployment rate as employers choose not to hire new laborers. Wow! We are raising our minimum wage by 40%. That could mean a 4% increase in unemployment. Great thinking, Jennifer.

How could I say it better than economics professor Mark J. Perry who wrote in the Flint Journal:

“Raising the minimum wage will hurt Michigan's struggling economy and the already fragile labor market, especially the displaced workers who will be priced out of the labor market by artificially high wages. How can the thousands of unemployed, unskilled Michigan workers be better off without a $7.15-an-hour job than they would be with a job that pays $5.15 an hour?”

Oh, well. I think that I’ll just sit back and revel in the fact that we are movin’ on up in the economic rankings, at least for now. Doesn’t 48th feel so much better than 50th? So hey, I’m going to enjoy it now, because I get a sinking feeling that we’ll be sinking again.

Titanically Yours,

Blawgerman

Evolution of Math

2006-04-19T16:33:00.000-04:00

Here's a response to one of my blogs that I thought was pretty good, but hey, you do the math!

Subject: Evolution of Math

Last week I purchased a burger and fries at McDonalds for $3.58.

The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents
from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there,
holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the
screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort and
tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but
she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to
explain the transaction to her, she stood there and
cried.

Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the
1950s:

Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his
profit?

Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What
is his profit?

Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is
selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the
habitat of animals or the preservation of our
woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the
question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the

logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers.)

Teaching Math In 2005

Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera por $100.
El cuesto de la produccion es $80. Cuantas tortillas
se puede comprar?

I’d say mucho tortillas but it depends where you go.

Another blurb I read back in the seventies that stuck with me out of a Fat Freddie and Free Wheelin’ Franklin comic. It was in a side panel to a Fat Freddie’s Cat adventure.

Man reading paper at lunch counter: Sez here that 75% of all Americans lack basic math skills.

Man on next stool: No kidding? Is that a lot?

Keep 'em coming

Blawgerman

More Least Likely Books

2006-04-12T23:36:00.000-04:00

World’s Least Likely Books --------- Part 6

A Guide to Proper Speaking ------ George W. Bush (comes with a bonus paperback entitled Countries With Nuke-u-lar Weapons )

How to Lose Weight ------- Mike Villar

Critical Thinking Skills ------- Anna Nicole Smith

A Guide to Attracting Old Guys -------- Anna Nicole Smith

Winning Football ------ Matt Millen

Nascar Takes Brains ---------- Dale, Jr.

How to Play Professional Baseball ---------- Michael Jordan

Personality Counts --------- Steve Forbes

I Really Should Have Been President --------- Al Gore

Natural Beauty --------- Joan Rivers

Be a Team Player --------- Terrell Owens

How to Beat a Drug Test ---------- Ricky Williams

How to Get Better at Baseball at Age 38 Without Taking Steroids ----------- Barry Bonds

Least Likely Yours,

Blawgerman

Globalization.................Sucks

2006-04-12T15:28:00.000-04:00

Globalization.......................sucks

NAFTA. CAFTA. HAFTA?

No. We don’t have to have globalization. What has it accomplished for the US? Maybe it has helped some of our companies, but does it help in ways that we want it to?

I was listening to NPR this morning and Governor Arnold from California was talking about his plan to reduce greenhouse gasses in California over the next 5-10 years. They then interviewed a businessman who countered that increasing the cost of doing business in California would just encourage more businesses to leave the United States and go to other countries who do not have the same concern for the environment.

Well.......isn’t that what’s been going on for the past 10 years? Our politicians talk about us “competing” in the world market and our need to have lower cost workers and lower costs of production. Let’s get something straight, “lower costs of production” means moving to countries where workers earn squat and the governments don’t care what kinds of pollutants you are dumping into the soil or pumping into the air or washing into the water.

We want our companies to be regulated and we want our citizens to be safe. But then we turn around and make it easy for US companies to send jobs and factories to countries where they can “lower production costs” at the expense of the citizens of that country. If you simply add 2 and 2 together, we are practically forcing our companies to move out of the US.

What globalization really means is that greed driven choices will dictate that companies produce products in the poorest countries and will produce products in a fashion that gives no real concern to the long or short term health consequences for that country. In that way, the companies will have low wages and low regulatory costs, enabling them to pump out products that can be bought cheaply at Wal-Mart. Our US company stocks then soar. Our US shoppers get low cost items. However, the number of people who can afford Wal-Mart stock and who can afford low cost items is shrinking due to the massive job losses brought about by “globalization.”

Companies will not continue to operate in the US when “globalization” means that they can get the benefit of being a US based company along with paying the wages of a third world company and without the costs of burdensome US environmental and social costs associated with hiring US workers. Why pay into the US social security system on thousands of workers when you can move your factory to China and pay far less?

Our decision to globalize means one thing. We will not get our jobs back until we are willing to work at wages paid to third world workers and until we are willing to allow companies to blast noxious chemicals into our air, land, and water.

Globally Yours,

Blawgerman.

What's That Sucking Sound? The Oil Companies' Money Machine!!!

2006-04-11T16:24:00.000-04:00

What’s That Sucking Sound? Oil Companies Sucking the Life Out of Us!

Big news!!!! Oil companies suck.

No surprise, I guess. But I feel the need to spew.

I saw a most disturbing sight this afternoon. On my way home, I looked up and was amazed at how many people were lined up at the local BP gas station. No one was at the Shell station across the street. The reason? Shell was at $2.89 per gallon and BP was at the lowly price of just $2.69 per gallon. The size of the line reminded me of the gas rationing of the 70's (yes, I am that old).

The sight just sickened me. We are already conditioned to think that $2.69 per gallon is a deal worth lining up for!!!

Anyway, I’m getting mad thinking of my Republican friends who worship at the altar of “market forces.” Well, Market Force this........

In my previous blogs I mentioned that no new oil refineries had been built in the US for the past 25 years and, in fact, numerous refineries have been shut down during that time! There is no oil shortage, there is a refinery shortage in the US. With the limited refining capacity, what incentive is there for the big oil companies to invest in more refineries? Easy. ZERO.

Why should they? They have us by the collective short hairs. They have posted record profits (36 Billion last quarter alone!) during this “crisis.” They are just fine with the refinery shortage. Any threatened disruption causes a 25 cent price spike. The oil companies just pass that along (and more). It certainly doesn’t harm their bottom line, so what do they care?

What have our Republican President and Congress done about this “shortage?” Zip. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. The big ZERO. Of course, what can they say? Market forces........market forces...........market forces...........market forces........... It’s kinda like a mantra.........until it bites you in the butt.

What should they do? Easy. Nationalize the oil industry. Regulate the industry. Build some national oil refineries. Any of these options take the big oil companies out of the price-rigging business. Since all of the oil companies are acting in concert, the US must do one of the above. Why let big oil companies dictate prices to us? They are affecting our national politics and economy and are apparently above the law (since nothing is being done to them). To drive prices down, there must be more refining capacity in the US and there is no incentive for the oil companies to do that.

So, you can stick your head in the sand and hope somehow for relief from the high oil prices. Unfortunately, the truth is that there is no incentive for any of the companies to help us.

Blawgerman

Oil Companies Deserve More Money!!!!!!

2006-03-15T09:26:00.000-05:00

Oil Companies Really Suck. Let’s Give ‘Em More Money!!!!!

Exxon-Mobil made over $36 Billion in 2005! In fact, they made $9.9 Billion in the 3rd quarter of 2005. Shell only made $9 Billion in the 3rd quarter. And lightweights BP, Conaco, and Chevron only made $6.5 Billion, $3.8 Billion, and $3.6 Billion respectively in the 3rd quarter. That’s over $30 Billion in profits in one quarter alone!

In the 3rd quarter alone, the oil companies made profits that amount to $110 for every man, woman, and child in the United States. That is profits alone. Their gross income was much higher. Let’s see. My wife and I have four children. $110 per person per quarter equals about $37 per month per person. So each month, the oil companies make $222 in profit from my family alone. In fact, they probably make a lot more from me because I have high heating costs for my home and I have kids who are out on the roads burning up rubber and gas every day.

I hate to be an “I told you so,” but here I go....( I guess I don’t really hate being an “I told you so.”). This is what I said in my blog on December 12, 2005:

What is our legislature’s wise and compassionate response? “Well,” they say, “we will make it more difficult for the gas companies to shut off the heat during winter.” Wow. Gimme a seat before I fall!

Don’t they see how short-sighted their answer is? Great. We get people through the great heating crunch of 2005-2006. Their gas can’t get shut off until April or May. When will they be able to pay the bills? Maybe never. So....what happens next year when heating season rolls around? The gas companies aren’t the bad guys because they aren’t shutting people off during the heating season, they are just refusing to turn the gas back on for the poor people who still can’t pay last year’s bills.

The effects of this year’s winter will be devastating for many, many people whose budgets are stretched before the heating season starts. I can only pray that the people that run the government will not turn a blind eye to the poor and needy and will resist the urge to put in stop-gap measures that just delay the time when the piper must be paid. In the meantime, I’ll start cutting up the dining room table for kindling.

Well, it has happened. Based upon the fact that there is a huge number of people who cannot pay their heating bills this year, our Congress has just introduced legislation to give the poor and needy $1 Billion in additional heating assistance to help pay the devastating heat bills from this past winter. That’s right. $1 Billion in additional assistance.

But let me ask you this. Why should I have to pay the big oil companies record prices for their products so that they can make record profits and then turn around and pay higher taxes to help needy people pay their gas bills? Isn’t this just another $1 Billion subsidy for Exxon-Mobil and the other oil fatcats? I just don’t get it. If our government had any power over the oil companies, they would say, “Listen, dip into your $30+ Billion 3rd quarter profits and fork over $1 Billion to help the poor.” That would be less than 3% of their 3rd quarter profits! I think that they could tighten their belts and make it without too much discomfort.

It seems criminal to foist the burden of unpaid oil and gas bills on the general public when we are the ones already getting fleeced by the big oil companies, especially since that same $1 Billion is only a fraction of the profits raked in by the oil companies last year.

Blawgerman

More You Know You're Too Fat...........

2006-01-17T08:06:00.000-05:00

I received a great response from my friend the "Rabbit King." I don't know how he knows so much about being fat......Here is the response:

Hey mucho, mucho blawgeeeto,

You know you are too fat……

When kids play “king of the mountain” on you

When finding your belly button is a surgical procedure

When your family has to join hands to hug you

When you fall asleep at the beach in your truck tire inner tube and the Coast Guard puts a buoy marker on you

When you turn around really, really fast, your belly button is behind you

When you don’t need another guy to go on a double date

When the “Big and Tall” outlet puts you on special order

When weight watchers offer you a million dollars to pose for the before sign

When you go swimming whales make mating gestures toward you

When more than one dog pees on your ankle while waiting for a bus

Don’t be discouraged, keep your “chins” up…

Rabbit King

You Know You're Too Fat When..........

2006-01-16T17:04:00.000-05:00

You Know You’re Too Fat When...........

People keep referring to you in the plural.......

You’re the only guy in the County who violated the truck weight load restrictions when you were by yourself in your Escort........

Rickshaw operators see you and feign injury.........

Your six-person hot tub is kept half full so it doesn’t overflow when you get in.........

You’re told that you put the Hog in Harley............

You walk into a fancy restaurant and the maitre d’ asks, “Table for Two?”...............

Your tailor also does parachutes and hot air balloons....................

Overweightly Yours,

Blawgerman

Change....

2006-01-09T15:05:00.000-05:00

Lots can change in a little time.

Many of you know, but my father passed away this past Sunday. He was at Henry Ford Hospital in Detroit. His passing was peaceful, and Janet and I were there when he took his last breath.

My father was a remarkable person. He came to the United States in 1956 (he was 27). He worked full time in Cuba since 2nd grade and did not get to go to 3rd grade. Nevertheless, he taught himself to read and write in Spanish and English. He took and passed his US Citizenship test in written form in English.

He will be missed.

His death was a reminder to me that every day counts. As a good friend of mine was told during his service in the Vietnam war, "If you're not dead....live." That's what I encourage you to do today. Live.

Blawgerman.

Ghetto-Country Fusion Remixes!!

2005-12-22T08:17:00.000-05:00

Ghetto-Country Fusion!

Well, my last blog explored the disturbing Honkey Tonk Badonkadonk song by Trace Adkins, who may well be the father of Ghetto-Country Fusion music (someday people will ask, “what did we listen to before Ghetto-Country Fusion?”)

Due to the outstanding results obtained by Trace Adkins, the following Country Stars are doing Ghetto-Country Fusion remixes of their old favorites. Here’s a list (in some cases, the final title of the new songs have not been decided upon, so I gave you all the possible names being considered):

Old Song – "She's Got It All" - Kenny Chesney

New Song – That Bee-atch Be Iced Out.......or............That Hottie is All That.

bee-atch
1. A way of saying the word “bitch.”

iced out
1. wearing a lot of jewelry "Check out all that bling-bling, you're iced out!"

hottie
1. used to describe good looking guys or girls. "Check out that new kid, he's a hottie!"

all that
1. of a superior nature; wonderful or attractive. "That boy is all that." "That song is all that and a bag a chips!"

Old Song – "Single White Female" - Chely Wright

New Song – Fugly and no man.....or.......Yo, I’m a Pigeon

fugly
1. very ugly. Derived from fu@*ing ugly

pigeon
1. an ugly girl. "Quit mackin’ on those pigeons over there." 2. a girl who goes with all the guys, whether or not she has a boyfriend, usually just for sexual favors.

Old Song – "Bubba Shot the Jukebox" - Mark Chesnutt

New Song – My Homie Bubba Done Busted a Cap in da Jukebox So Nobody’s Jammin’ On da One.

homie
1. n. Old word (derived from the Hispanic Americans who used "homes" as a label for others) that means friend or companion. "Whasup Homie?"

bust a cap
1. v. To shoot someone. **See "I'll bust a cap . . ."

jammin' on the one
1. “Getting down” to music, especially oldschool jams like Stevie Wonder. Some know this from the Cosby Show back in the day. "That song's jammin' on the one! Baby!"

Old Song – "Daddy's Money" - Ricochet

New Song – Daddy’s Bling Bling or Daddy Got Bank

Bling-bling
1. (sometimes pronounced “Blang-Blang”) Used to be jewelry such as silver, platinum, or diamonds and sometimes gold. Now the word expands to describe extremely expensive style of clothes, cars and general life-style. "Did you see Donald Trump’s house in The Apprentice- I’ve never seen so much bling bling!" or "Jose’s blinging it!"

bank
1. money. Usually a lot of it. "He got bank!"

Old Song – "Friends in Low Places" - Garth Brooks

New Song – My Boys (My Dawgs) Be So Ghetto..............or............... My Dawgs Be Hangin In Tore Up Skanch Houses.

boy
1. n. Your friend or some one you admire. "Yo, I’m chillin’ with my boys tonight” or “Shaq is your boy right? He got lit up in last night’s game."

dawg
1. n. a title for your friends, see "homie." 2. a guy who goes with all the girls, even if he has a girlfriend. A tramp. "Jimmy's such a dawg! Look at him over there with those hoochies."

ghetto
1. adj./adv. 1. Something undesirable. "That place is ghetto." 2. Something excellent. **See “ghetto fabulous.” 3. Saying or doing something you don’t have to. Like hanging your clothes on the balcony when you have a dryer they can be put in.

tore up (pronounced "toe up")
1. adj. Messed up. Ugly or run down. "Fix your hair, it's all tore up!" 2. Also refers to being under the influence; drunk or high. "Did you see Joe at the party last night, man, he was tore up."

skanch
1. adj. repulsive and skank-like (see "skank") "Your girl ain't nothin' but a skanch queen!"

Well, now. I can’t wait for these remixes. It’s almost as bad as waiting for the next Harry Potter Book.....or for the last Star Wars movie............or..........forget it. Just be ready when the Ghetto-Country Fusion juggernaut blows all other music out of the water!

Blawgerman

Some Things Just Ain't Right

2005-12-21T10:19:00.000-05:00

Some Things Just Ain’t Right

Listen. There are some things that are just not right.

Me in a Speedo.

RoseAnn Barr singing the National Anthem.

Michael Jackson at your family reunion.

You get the idea.....well, apparently Trace Adkins, the famous country singer, doesn’t get it.

Let me explain as I sit on my badonkadonk. What’s a “badonkadonk”? It’s “ghetto” for rear end, butt, ass, etc. It is commonly used in the following ways: 1) Man, she got a big badonkadonk, (I think that that is bad) or 2) Man, that badonkadonk got it goin’ on. ( which I believe is a good thing).

In any event, badonkadonk is not a part of country culture................well, it wasn’t until now. Trace Adkins has a song on the radio entitled “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk.” I wish I was kidding, I really do. Here are some of the inspiring lyrics:

Husslers shootin' eightball
Throwin' darts at the wall
Feelin' damn near 10 ft. tall
Here she comes, Lord help us all
Ol' T.W.'s girlfriend done slapped him outta his chair
Poor ole boy, it ain't his fault
It's so hard not to stare
At that honky tonk badonkadonk
Keepin' perfect rhythm
Make ya wanna swing along
Got it goin' on
Like Donkey Kong
And whoo-wee
Shut my mouth, slap your grandma
There outta be a law
Get the Sheriff on the phone
Lord have mercy, how's she even get them britches on
That honky tonk badonkadonk
(Aww son)

Now Honey, you can't blame her
For what her mama gave herYou ain't gotta hate her
For workin' that money-maker
Band shuts down at two
But we're hangin' out till three
We hate to see her go
But love to watch her leave
With that honky tonk badonkadonk
Keepin' perfect rhythm
Make ya wanna swing along
Got it goin' on
Like Donkey Kong
And whoo-wee
Shut my mouth, slap your grandma
There outta be a law
Get the Sheriff on the phone
Lord have mercy, how's she even get them britches on
With that honky tonk badonkadonk
(Ooh, that's what I'm talkin' bout right there, honey)

(That's it, right there boys, that's why we do what we do
It ain't for the money, it ain't for the glory, it ain't for the free whiskey
It's for the badonkadonk)

Apparently, she’s got it goin’ on like Donkey Kong. Donkey Kong. That’s a monkey, isn’t it? Of course, there may be a sly country music trick of the tongue because Donkey is another word for “Ass.” Not only is this song a disturbing clash of country and ghetto culture, it has to include references to really old video games. There are so many things wrong on so many levels with this song.

“Whoo-wee, shut my mouth, slap your grandma.” Slap your grandma? What’s that about? It appears that grandma didn’t slap Trace Adkins enough while he was young.

You know, it’s rare when a song’s lyrics leave me almost speechless. I try to think of something to write that’s funny about the song, but the lyrics have done it for me. Trace Adkins has achieved what no one before has ever achieved. “Ghetto-Country Fusion.” In my next blog, I will explore some interesting Ghetto-Country Fusion possibilities.

And, by the way, that culture-creating Trace Adkins’ does what he does for the badonkadonk.

Blawgerman

Dr. Mike's New Diet Revolution!!!

2005-12-16T10:28:00.000-05:00

Millions and millions of dollars are spent by us fat people on every new diet fad that comes around. People eat cabbage, bananas, all meat, all vegetables, and any other thing that you can imagine so long as it comes packaged with the promise of eternal and lasting weight loss.

Just turn on the late night and early morning informercials and you will find formerly fat people singing the praises of the six-week body makeover, the Atkins diet, and many other diets de jour. Us fat people look at the skinny people in the infomercials and decide to lay down $39.95 per month for the chance to change our bodies. Fitness Celebrity Jon Basedow, here I come. Take me to six-pack ab land! (I think that I still have abs somewhere down there).

Now really, if it were that easy, would America be so stinkin' chock full of hefty, oversize people? The real results of the fat loss gurus? Well, let me put it this way, the only thing I lost on my last diet was $39.95 per month for 4 months! (But I did get some cool stretchy band things that are supposed to shape me into an athlete in 15 minutes per day!)

Anyway, I started thinking. The reason that most diets fail is because people fail to achiever their short-term and long-term weight goals and then they just give up. Most people just can't stand failure. So I figure if I can come up with a diet that eliminates failure, I'll soon have enough to build next to Bill Gates. Well..... I have had a dieting epiphany.

Here's my thinking. Eliminate failure. My diet focuses on success. I am trying to reach the person who wants to set realistic, achievable goals. So, what's reasonable? It's simple. I've tried it. It works.

My plan? Well....I set my goal to gain 5 pounds before Thanksgiving. I gave myself three weeks, which I felt was realistic. I made cards for my three main eating groups: chips and salty snacks, chocolate and desserts, and red meats. Each day I have to pick at least three cards from each group and eat the corresponding food on that card. I achieved my weight goal in less than two weeks!!!

Instead of feeling defeated and depressed for failing to meet my goals, I was excited about overachieving for once in the weight-watching world. I even celebrated by going out to eat!!!! Get ready folks, this is the diet wave of the future. Guilt free overeating designed to achieve realistic goals. Move over Richard Simmons!!!!

Oh, gotta go. I hear an ice cream truck and I'm on a strict diet.

Blawgerman

Show Me the Money!!!!!

2005-12-13T10:43:00.000-05:00

Follow the Bouncing Gas Increase!!!!

The first thing to do in a murder investigation is “follow the money.” If someone got murdered, it’s always good to see who benefits from the murder. The wife may get a whopping amount of insurance, the business partners may have a cross-life insurance policy on the dead guy, or the victim may have double-crossed someone or failed to pay a debt. In any case, following the money is an established investigative procedure.

Well, let’s do a little exercise called “follow the bouncing gas price increase.” We are all getting murdered little by little by gas prices, so let’s see who’s killing us.

Lets start with an innocuous vegetable. Say corn.

Last year’s seed is stored in warehouses at Kernels R Us. Kernels R Us sells it to a local feed store. Kernels R Us gets hit with an extra large shipping bill because the trucks delivering seed now spend 50% more in fuel. The local feed store passes on that increase to the consumer, Farmer Jack. (In this blog, we’re not going to follow the bouncing natural gas price increase, which is also careening towards us consumers)

Farmer Jack drives down to the local feed store and orders his corn. The local feed store delivers to Farmer Jack, passing on their gas price increases to Farmer Jack. Farmer Jack has to work his fields with his John Deere machinery which run on.....you guessed it....gas! Farmer Jack now has to sell his more costly corn at a higher price to cover the increases at the warehouse, local feed store, and his own fuel cost increases.

Farmer Jack’s crop is a good one and he sells it to a corn wholesaler. The wholesaler pays more this year and also has to ship the finished corn product from the field to it’s warehouse in Nebraska for processing, and incurs 50% higher shipping costs than last year.

Once the corn hits Nebraska, it’s churned out into little cans of beautiful kernels and shipped yet again to supermarket warehouses all over the country (If you listen quietly at this point, you will hear the gleeful chortling of Arab Oil Sheiks and Exxon executives).

The supermarket warehouses now ship their canned corn to each of their individual stores, again incurring increased shipping charges. The bright, shiny can of corn then sits precariously on the supermarket shelf awaiting you, the eager corn-chomping consumer. Oh, yea. You get to drive down to the store to pick up your groceries and incur more costs just getting to the store.

You get the picture. Now. Multiply this effect by asparagus, beets, green beans, and broccoli. Then go outside of the vegetable family and think about fruits, dairy, meat, grains, and every other product that is so readily available in our country.

You see, we pay for gas price increases many, many times over. The money trail begins and ends with oil companies and oil exporting countries. But alas, unlike a murder investigation where the murderer gets put behind bars for life, our murderers are doing a funny little money dance all the way to their Swiss bank accounts.

Blawgerman

Michigan Winters Suck!

2005-12-12T15:14:00.000-05:00

Cold Michigan Winters Suck!

December has been cold and snowy. Great for skiers and snowmobilers. Bad for people who heat homes and buildings. Oh. That would be most of us.

Natural gas prices are predicted to rise 71% this winter. 71%.

As far as I know, we don’t find natural gas in the middle east. There are no refinery shortages. So, why the heck will natural gas prices rise 71%? In fact, since heating companies are loosely regulated, why would we even allow them to rise that much? Who’s making the money?

Anyway, the real thing that angers me about the whole deal is that the rise in natural gas prices disproportionately affects the poor. Just like the summertime hike in gasoline prices, the poor are getting the short end of the stick.

What is our legislature’s wise and compassionate response? “Well,” they say, “we will make it more difficult for the gas companies to shut off the heat during winter.” Wow. Gimme a seat before I fall!

Don’t they see how short-sighted their answer is? Great. We get people through the great heating crunch of 2005-2006. Their gas can’t get shut off until April or May. When will they be able to pay the bills? Maybe never. So....what happens next year when heating season rolls around? The gas companies are the bad guys because they aren’t shutting people off during the heating season, they are just refusing to turn the gas back on for the poor people who still can’t pay last year’s bills.

The effects of this year’s winter will be devastating for many, many people whose budgets are stretched before the heating season starts. I can only pray that the people that run the government will not turn a blind eye to the poor and needy and will resist the urge to put in stop-gap measures that just delay the time when the piper must be paid. In the meantime, I’ll start cutting up the dining room table for kindling.

Blawgerman

Response to You Know You're Too Fat When......

2005-12-09T09:02:00.000-05:00

Got a great response and thought I'd pass it along.

Blawgerman

El hugeo blagero,

You also know you’re too fat when.....

you go into a restaurant alone and the waiter says, “table for two?”

Buzzards fight over air space above you

your “belly flopper” at the local marina results in a tsunami warning

White sharks respect you, whales seek to adopt you, boats try to avoid you, tuna race around you, sea gulls light on you.

the Coast Guard puts a buoy light on you

your get your own personal island designation

when Guiness Book of Records people smile at you in an inappropriate way

when you are escorted around the turnstile at the subway

and when elephants wonder what happened to your trunk.

THINK BIG!! The Widdle Wabbit

Even More Least Likely Books!!!

2005-12-07T09:21:00.000-05:00

Eating On A Budget. Bill Gates

How I Created the Internet. Al Gore

Obeying Social Norms. Dennis Rodman

How to Get A Million Bucks (or More). Anna Nicole Smith

Monogamy Can Be Fun. Bill Clinton

Marrying Funny Looking Guys. Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock

How to Stay Happily Married. Elizabeth Taylor

Dictatorships for Dummies. Saddam Hussein

Become an Interesting Conversationalist. Al Gore

Being Humble. Donald Trump

You Know You're Fat When......

2005-12-06T16:56:00.000-05:00

You Know You’re Fat When:

You qualify to have your own National Anthem.

The Olympic Committee called and asked how many teams you are sending.

Your Speed Dial directory, in alphabetical order, is Arby’s, Burger King, Dairy Queen, Kentucy Fried Chicken, Krispy Kreme, Little Caesars, McDonald’s, Pizza Hut, and Taco Bell.

Your favorite Monarchs are Burger King and Dairy Queen.

Your waist size is measured in feet, not inches.

You’ve had your picture taken at four or more “all-you-can-eat” joints.

You walk up to the counter at McDonalds and they offer you a group discount.

You sign up for an “all-you-can-eat” contest and everyone else drops out.

You’ve convinced yourself that strawberry jelly counts as a “fruit” in your diet.

Blawgerman

Great Response to Nose Business Blog

2005-11-23T08:08:00.000-05:00

I received a humorous response to my nose blog and thought you might enjoy it.

Blawgerman

Hey blag, I have heard that you can pick your nose but you can't pick your friends. But I nose that's snot so. I have known a lot of nasal drips, and everyone of them blows. I also nose that even though Lewis and Clark found the northwest passage, it was Jimmy Durante Villar (your great, great uncle from a previous marriage) that discovered the nasal passage. In the 'year of the great snose' the nasal passage was completely blocked until Uncle Jimmy's mother's sister Histamine came and cleared that there nasal passage; she was hand picked and did such a good job that Ante Histamine went down in history as clearing the nasal passage from the snose blockage of '84. There more to this story but there's snot enough time.
Keep your nose clean.

King Bugs

Even More Least Likely Books.....

2005-11-22T17:13:00.000-05:00

There's Nose Business Like Nose Business!

2005-11-22T15:09:00.000-05:00

There’s Nose Business Like Nose Business

WARNING!!!! This Blog contains descriptions of graphic, bloody, gory, and otherwise disgusting stuff. Don’t read it if you get queasy. If, on the other hand, you read it and yak, I will take some satisfaction in my ability to graphically portray grossness. Let me know.

Man, why didn’t somebody slap me? I wrote blogs on my previous nose surgery. You’d think that I would read those blogs and steer clear, wouldn’t you? No. Not me. Macho nose guy that I am. I voluntarily entered into the Ear, Nose and Throat specialist for yet another nefarious nasal misadventure!

Why did I first have my septum redone? Cause I couldn’t breath through the old schnozz. Well, shortly after my septumology (or something like that), I found that I still couldn’t breath. I still had to drown my sinuses in nasal spray just to breath through my newly sculpted septum.

I go back to the specialist and he reminded me that he told me that my turbinates were bad and that we might have to do that after my septum surgery. He was right. He told me that right before I went under the knife the first time. Great. Turbinate-ectomy. What the heck is a turbinate anyway?

Not to worry, he says. Simple. We sonically fry the mucus membranes surrounding the turbinates and BAM!!! you can breath again. ( I couldn’t tell if he sounded more like Emerill or John Madden). Super. It’s just like microwaving my nose. Can’t wait.

How come my many friends didn’t step up and slap me silly. Wake me up. C’mon guys, I needed some help. But no. There is no one so lonely as the guy facing the turbinate-ectomy.

I showed up, nose in hand. What do I see first? A six inch long needle! That’s simply the long skinny needle part of the medieval torture device. Guess where that sucker went? Right. Up my nose. The doc tells me to make a motion when the needle goes into the back of my throat and I can feel the novacaine dibbling down the back of my throat. Does it get any better than that? My “motion” resembles the dying gasp of a bad actor in a grade B detective movie. The doc gets my signal and backs the needle out of the inner recesses of my head. What happens then?

Blood. Lots of blood. As the needle slipped out of my nose, a four-foot spurt of blood shoots out of my nose and hits the wall beside me! Of course, large amounts of blood also flowed out of my nose and onto my face, hands, and clothes. The doc yells. “This has never happened before!” he says. Seeing as how he has practiced medicine for about fifty years, that’s saying something.

There I sat. Blood in hand. Blood in face. Blood in clothes. Oh, yea. My nose was numb, too. What a beautiful sight I was.

Now that half of my nose was numb, all that was left was to fry the mucous membranes of my nose. The doc takes a blue patch with wires hanging off of it and tells me to lift up my shirt. He needs to put this “ground patch” on my back to keep from electrocuting me. He lifts up my shirt and announces that he’s found Sesquatch. I didn’t even know he was a comedian.

Grounded, numb, and bloody. I was ready. Fry away, baby. The little sonic frying device even dinged when it was done, just like a microwave. Three times he fried me, one for each turbinate. Each time, blood would gush out of my nose when he removed the probe. Yet relief was not to be mine. There was still the other side. Another six inch long needle foray to the back of my throat. Another three sonic frying events. You get the message.

Listen. Breathing well probably isn’t worth it. Next time, somebody hit me. But, just in case, don’t hit me in the nose!!!!

Blawgerman

Trifecta!!! A Banner Year for the Debt-Laden!!!

2005-11-22T08:40:00.000-05:00

The Trifecta! What a Banner Year for the Debt-Laden!

The first ingredient in our Witch’s brew for the poor is.......OIL PRICES! Through the roof. Oil companies making RECORD PROFITS when prices are at all-time highs. They don’t feel our pain.....they cause it. There is no incentive for them to create more supply. Why increase supply when profits are at record numbers? The big oil conglomerates can close 58 refineries and can not build a new refinery in this county for twenty years and still hide behind the “free market” for the ultimate justification for the pillaging of our society in search of profits. And who do gas prices disproportionately affect? The poor. Gas takes a bigger percentage of their income that those who are better off.

The second ingredient is the Increase in Personal Debt. Since the rise of the recent oil crunch, personal debt has increased drastically. In fact, the personal debt of our country rose over 2% in October alone! Imagine that.....2% in one month. Astounding. What’s going on? At least in part it is due to the increase in gas prices. When gas hit over $3.00 per gallon, people still had to drive. The solution? Throw the gas on a credit card and worry about it later. Well, it turns out that there were more delinquencies in credit card payments in November than ever before.

The final ingredient in our mix? Let’s change the bankruptcy laws! Trifecta!

The same guys who are out there hawking their credit card services and charging people up to 28% interest are the guys who lobby Congress for “protection” from all the “deadbeats.” Congress, rather than telling the credit card companies to quit offering credit to poor risks, agrees and makes it tougher to file bankruptcies. Now the people saddled with debt have to go to credit counseling for six months prior to filing. In addition, the legal fees for filing for bankruptcy just got a lot more expensive due to the recent changes to the law. A double whammy for the debt laden.

Listen, am I saying that it’s OK to try to weasel out of your legitimate debts? No. Not at all. But I have seen widows who have incomes of $900 per month that have credit card debt in excess of $70,000 and who receive new card offers almost every day! They have to get new cards to pay the minimum balances on the old cards! Dogs are sent credit card offers! The credit card companies have to share some of the blame and shouldn’t be the ones to go crying to Congress. Oh well, they got what they want. More chances to collect their 28% interest from the poor guy who can’t even afford credit counseling or who is not reliable enough to complete six months of credit counseling.

Come on, guys. This sounds more like “three strikes and you’re out.” Maybe it is just a weird, random convergence. But planned or not, the impact of these things has and is going to continue to have a profound impact on the poor of our society.

Blawgerman

Weird Things that Happen to Me in Theaters

2005-11-21T16:21:00.000-05:00

Weird Things That Happen to Me at Theaters

Ok. I decided to take my three boys to the theater to catch the new Harry Potter film. Being astute movie goers, we decided to go at 9:30 pm on Sunday evening so that we can at least get a seat on the opening weekend. I do the drill and buy everyone enough popcorn, candy, and pop to get sick on through Thanksgiving and we go and find some seats.

My youngest son is sitting next to me and is a definite Harry Potter addict. He’s so excited that he can’t be still or be quiet. As we wait for the movie to start, the Theater only has three ads that it keeps playing over and over and over. Any more ads for Sherman’s Iditarod Ice Cream and I was going to scream.

Just when my senses were being overloaded by the senseless barrage of identical ads being played over and over, I hear a woman behind me say, “Michael?” I assumed that she was talking to her own kid and didn’t turn around. Seconds later, she taps my shoulder and asks, “are you Mike Villar?”

Great. As a lawyer, that question usually is bad. Here I am trying to enjoy a night out with my children and I’m thinking that a disgruntled client or the ex-wife of a guy that I represented is going to say something embarrassing in front of my kids. I turn around and admit that I am, indeed, Mike Villar. Gritting my teeth, I await her response. It turns out that I am totally blindsided.

She asks if I have change for a twenty. I inform her that after the candy, pop, popcorn, and other junk I bought for the boys, that I only have $15 left. “No matter,” she says, and hands me $260.
“What is this for?” I ask. She then tells me the following:

“I spoke to you seven or eight years ago about my son. You really helped him a lot. Well, I’ve owed you $260 since then and have never paid you. In fact, I never knew who you were or what you looked like because I only talked to you on the phone. But, last week, my son was in court again. I heard someone call you ‘Villar’ and figured out you were the guy I owed. I didn’t have any money with me then. Tonight, I came into the theater and you sat down right in front of me. What a sign. I have the money and want to thank you for helping my kid so many years ago.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell her that the $260 was up to $800 with interest! (Just joking). I was amazed. I wrote off her debt seven years ago. If you would have given me a million guesses as to what was going to happen that evening at the theater, getting paid $260 by a client who owed me since 1997 would not have been one of those guesses.

Instead of having to deal with an embarrassing situation or a disgruntled person, I was able to share with my kids the fact that there are people out there who whose conscience causes them to do the right thing, even after seven years. There was no way I would have known who she was. She wanted to make it right and chose to do so. There is hope for us after all.

Blawgerman

Over A Barrel!!!! Oil Companies Suck

2005-10-14T12:06:00.000-04:00

Over a Barrel. A whole country. A whole world. Right where Exxon/Shell/BP, etc. wants us.

Oil prices at record highs. Storms send prices skyrocketing even higher. The State of Michigan just approved a 50% rate hike for natural gas for the upcoming heating season. Personal debt rose 2.7% in a single month!!! More credit cards were paid late last month than ever before in history. What's going on?

It's easy. People cannot affort $2.79 a gallon for gas. They also can't afford to lose their jobs, so they have to have gas to get to work. The solution? Put the gas on a credit card and worry about it later....hoping that gas prices will fall soon. The result? Months of putting gas on cards has your limits up and your minimum payments up. You can't make the minimum payments. Then you can't get gas. Then you lose your job just in time to see the first natural gas bill hit the mailbox.

I heard a politician say "We have to cut our dependence on foreign oil." How original. How stupid. We have to cut our dependence on international gas companies. Do you know how many refineries have been built in the last 25 years in the US? ZERO. Do you know how many refinery facilities have been shut down in the past 25 years in the US? 59! Fifty-nine.

Our dependence upon foreign oil is only one part of the equation. The gas companies (which are oligarchies that have conspired to set high prices based upon reduced supply) are the ones who have us over the barrel. It isn't natural disasters that cause the price of gas to rise after a storm. It is the fact that the oil companies have systematically and intentionally shut down refineries to limit production and restrict supply. Why? So that any disruption or threatened disruption will spike prices.

Has it worked? Just look at oil company stock prices and bottom lines. Record profits! They have absolutely no incentive to increase supply. They have no incentive to build new refineries.

The US Government should step in. If oil is crucial to our national economy, why does the US Government sit back and let oil companies dictate reduced supplies to our nation's detriment? Either break up the oil companies under the Sherman Antitrust Act or get into the refinery business and compete with the guys who are intentionally causing such skyrocketing prices.

Who would buy gas from the US Gas Company? I would.

Blawgerman

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back Into The BLOGOSPHERE!!!!!

2005-10-14T10:16:00.000-04:00

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO BACK INTO THE BLOGOSPHERE!!!!!

I'm back.

Changes.

Rough times.

Thanks for all who knew and were praying for my wife. She is feeling better and we hope and pray that she will have a full recovery.

For those who did not know, my wife had a minor heart attack several weeks ago. The good news is that it was the most minor of heart attacks. The bad news is that it still is a heart attack. They are going to treat her with medication and hope to avoid any invasive type proceedures.

For some who also do not know, I have recently sold my law practice to devote more time to Century 21.

The combination of trying to close down my law practice and then having my wife get sick was enough to bring a halt to my blogging for a bit.

Now my wife is on the mend and I am freed up from the demands of the law practice. All that is left is to figure out something to write about. It'll come.

Blawgerman

Roll Out the Barrel!!!!!

2005-09-02T08:54:00.000-04:00

Roll Out the Barrels and We’ll Have a Barrel of Crude!!!!

$3.39. People lining up to pay $2.69 per gallon! It’s now worse than running our cars on gallons of milk. Look around. Where’d the traffic go? The slowdown is on.

Free Market? The holy grail of Republican economics. Trust the free market. It will make everything right if we just keep out of the regulation market. Right. Free market this.

Why do we think the free market gives a flying fart about the US economy? The gas companies are internationals and have stockholders that they care about. What’s going on when gas prices hit record highs and Sunoco stock shoots up $7 per share? Record gas prices are becoming record profits for the gas giants. They are not feeling our pain.

There has not been an oil refinery built in the US for the past 20 years. 20 years. Since 1985.

Oil and gas usage since that time has gone way up. What’s going on? Well, you see, the free market seeks to maximize profit, which is exactly what the big oil companies are rolling in during our time of crisis. Oil refineries are “stretched to the limit” according to the news. Every threatened disruption spikes gas prices. The free market in its glory. Supply and demand. Tight supply leads to higher prices leads to higher profits. What incentive do the oil companies have to create new refineries or, for that matter, to find more oil? Things are just about right for them now.

That is why the US should step in. Let’s get our head out of our rear ends and recognize that the free market is not always in the best interests of our country. The US should take it upon itself to regulate the gas markets or, in the alternative, to build nationalized oil refineries to compete with the gas guys. That way, our economy is not at the mercy of mercenary gas barons whose goal isn’t to keep the US economy on track or to provide reasonably priced oil and gas, but rather to suck as much money out of the US economy as possible. Shame on us for even thinking that Exxon or Sunoco is the slightest bit concerned about what is best for America!

Blawgerman

Even More World's Least Likely Books!!!!

2005-08-31T21:05:00.000-04:00

Even More World’s Least Likely Books

Got some feedback. One person suggested the following:

Cat Nipped
Roy Horn

Ouch! That’s cold.

How ‘bout these?

Secrets to Graceful Aging
Mick Jagger

How to Act
Sylvester Stallone

Oil is Not for Profit
The Exxon Company

My Son is Real Smart
George H. Bush

Like I Care About You
Oprah

Wholesome Hollywood Relationships
Heidi Fleiss

My Son is Real Smart
Barbara Bush

Blood Doping for Dummies
Lance Armstrong

Blawgerman

World's Least Likely Books -- Part III

2005-08-30T21:41:00.000-04:00

The World’s Least Likely Books -- Part III

Top 100 Whale Recipes
Greenpeace

Conservative Til the End
Dennis Rodman

Youth Ministry
Michael Jackson

The Flawless Wardrobe
Janet Jackson

Sex Shouldn’t Sell
Madonna

Natural Beauty
Joan Rivers

My Brother’s Real Smart
Jeb Bush

Don’t Be A Potty Mouth
Howard Stern

Stop Being Opinionated!
Rush Limbaugh

Fidelity
Bill Clinton

I Don’t Want the Presidency!
Hillary Clinton

More World's Least Likely Books

2005-08-30T14:42:00.000-04:00

More World's Least Likely Books (Anonymous Submissions)

Let Conscience Be Your Guide

O.J. Simpson

Wrong and Sorry

Donald Rumsfeld

Super Bowl Quarterback

Joey Harrington

In Praise of Older Women

Woody Allen

Let Conscience Be Your Guide

Martha Stewart and Arthur Anderson

The Fairness of the French

Lance Armstrong

How to Direct and Produce Wholesome Family Videos

Pamela Anderson

How to Perfect Live Singing

Ashley Simpson

Sarcasm Sucks!

Mike Villar

World's Least Likely Books

2005-08-30T06:34:00.000-04:00

The World’s Least Likely Books

My Dieting Secrets
Mike Villar

Best Hair Makeovers
Vin Diesel

Mature Relationships
Monica Lewinsky

Tips for Using Proper English
Arnold Swartzenneggar

How to Build a Healthy Marriage
Elizabeth Taylor

Act Like A Grown Up
Michael Jackson

Modesty
Anna Nicole Smith

Drugs Are for Dummies
Ozzie Ozborne

Secrets to Weight Gain
Paris Hilton

How To Avoid Capture
Saddam Hussein

A Layman’s Guide to Nukeular Bombs
George Bush

How to Direct and Produce Wholesome Family Videos
Paris Hilton

Strength Training Without Steroids
Rafael Palmiero

The Silence is Deafening!

2005-08-25T16:56:00.000-04:00

The Silence is Deafening!!!!

Wow.

Two blogs on Jury Trials and Trials by Ordeal and only one response!

Eerie.

You guys usually let me know what you think.

This time? Stone cold silence.

What's up?

Blawgerman

Trial by Jury -- What an Ordeal!!!!!

2005-08-24T07:46:00.000-04:00

TRIAL BY JURY – What An Ordeal!!!!!

As we saw yesterday, the predecessor to the Trial by Jury was the little ditty known as Trial by Ordeal. The idea was “God Help the Innocent.” These Ordeals were religious events used to determine the guilt or innocence of an individual. The Trial by Ordeal was replaced with a Jury Trial. Much better.........

We know so much better now. You’d never find us using something as crass and unrealistic as a Trial by Ordeal. Imagine....making someone grab a cross and waiting to see if they heal or infect. How preposterous! Our system depends upon the jury trial. A trial by our peers. No longer do we have to appeal to God to help declare our innocence after undergoing a physical Ordeal!

No, what we have is much more scientific.... and much more civilized......

Let’s see. The Judge is the chief priest. He wears a robe and is in charge of all protocol within the confines of the sanctuary (courtroom, sorry). The prosecutor and defense attorney are the clergy, each in charge of making sure everyone stands when they are supposed to and sits when they are supposed to. In addition, each person will occasionally articulate Latin phrases at the appropriate times and sometimes may even utter something approaching English, but usually unintelligible to the layperson.

The Jury is the means by which truth is found. They are the “finders of fact.” The Ordeal involves both prosecutor and defense attorney struggling to admit as many “potential facts” to the jury as possible, with the Judge deciding which potential facts the jury should hear and which they should not. Once the trial is complete, the Judge murmurs the ritual incantation of Jury Instructions to the jury and they are told to retire to a small, enclosed room. The Bailiff stands and swears to allow the Jurors “neither meat nor drink” unless the Court orders and to keep all outside influences from the Jury. The Jury then deliberates. Once they come to a decision, the Jury Foreperson sends a note to the Judge, who reviews the Verdict. The note is sent back to the Foreperson, who announces the finding of fact by the Jury. The Guilt or Innocence (or non-guilt) of the party has been discovered!!!!! Or has it?

Tell me, isn’t a jury trial simply our choice of Ordeal?....our Judicium Dei? God help the innocent! Did God help OJ? Did the Jury find the “facts” there? What about where the Jury finds the “facts” that convict people who are later freed because of DNA evidence which shows that they couldn’t possibly have committed the crime in question?

What about the accused? His Ordeal is the Ordeal of Trial by Jury. What if the Jury doesn’t like him because of his Race? Nationality? Culture? Religion (like, say, he wears a Turban) ? Looks? What if he’s ugly and stutters? What if he’s stupid? What if the “victim” is lying? What if the police lie? What if the Jury doesn’t like the accused’s attorney? What if the Judge is a former prosecutor and favors the prosecution? What if the Judge is up for re-election and this is a high-profile case? What if the Judge favors the defense? What if the Judge doesn’t allow evidence to get to the Jury that would help the accused?

The point is.....why do we have this overwhelming confidence that the Jury will necessarily make the right call? Is our need to believe that our Justice system generally treats everyone equally in our Egalitarian Country so strong that we simply can’t stop to look and see if maybe the Emperor is naked?

We sleep better when we believe that bad people get punished and innocent people are vindicated. Are we just taking Sominex and calling it good?

Blawgerman

Trial By Ordeal -- Help me! I'm Innocent!!!!

2005-08-23T11:38:00.000-04:00

TRIAL BY ORDEAL – Help me! I’m innocent!!!!!!

Judicium Dei – God will help the innocent.

The Trial by Ordeal was used in Europe until at least the Age of Enlightenment. It was used to determine the guild or innocence of an accused person by subjecting them to a painful task. The innocent person completed the task uninjured or his wounds would heal properly. The guilty would suffer injury or his wounds would fester.

In Europe, it was not uncommon for a person to have to lay hands on a white-hot cross while walking a certain number of steps (usually 9). If his hands came through unscathed or if they healed properly, the person was declared innocent because God had justified him. Other variations of trial by ordeal included the following innovative truth-finding techniques:

Grabbing a stone out of a pot of boiling water (oil was occasionally used) – the innocent would not suffer infection.

Casting the accused into water with a millstone around his neck – the innocent would not sink (the weight of the crime did not press upon the innocent). A variation of this Ordeal was used to determine whether women were witches. They were bound and thrown into the water. The innocent person would sink and, of course, be rescued before drowning. The guilty would float and be taken off to various tortures. It was thought that they floated because they had renounced Christian Baptism. One variation of this Ordeal said that the guilty would sink. In this Ordeal, the guilty was left to drown in the watery depths.

Feeding the accused a morsel of consecrated bread – the guilty would, of course, choke on the holy bread. (The priest would determine the size and relative freshness of the chunk of bread fed to the accused).

Of course, these various Ordeals were done under the close control and supervision of the local clergy. The main idea of Trial by Ordeal was that God would vindicate the Innocent. The Ordeals were done with the pomp and ceremony befitting a religious ritual.

Trial by Ordeal was abolished in England in 1220. It’s replacement? Trial by Jury. Stay tuned to the next blog to consider whether Trial by Jury is a better alternative than Trial by Ordeal and to examine what, if any, differences exist between them.

Blawgerman.

Bare Midriff Strikes a "Chord"

2005-08-09T13:13:00.000-04:00

Wow.

Lots of responses have piled in since the Bare Midriff blog. Here are some of the comments:

First Comment:

El Blawgeeeto, [I have no idea what "El Blawgeeto" means except that it is some type of Spanglish derivative of Blawgerman]

For me the struggle is not to "bare" my midriff, inner or outer, but to "bear" my multisituational midriff. I think that I would rather "beer" my midriff....at least the "beering" would somewhat modify the "bearing" of the "baring".

I think the term "beer-belly" is much more noble than "bare-belly". At least there is purpose in a beer-belly. A thin guy trying to brag about his chugging ability to a truck driver from Waco that hasn't had a tee-shirt cover his navel in years has a surealistic aire to it. But take heart, my significant midrifficant, most of the Kings of England wore loose fitting regal attire for a reason....to allow breathing. But my history books tell me that these fat kings had thin chicks for queens that could wear tight fitting goat-skin tee shirts, and mini pants without ruining the King's apetite. It's good to be King. I think the saying, "I just lost my head," came from a thin chick/queen trying to encourage a fat King by telling him what I am telling you..... "keep your chins up." There is so much food and so little time.

The Rabbit King

Second comment:

Show us a picture of your belly, Blawgerman!

My Response:

You do not want to see a picture of my belly. Besides, I have no wide-angle lens. I will attribute that request to temporary (or permanent) insanity and will act like no one really wants to see the wide expanse of skin that makes up my gut.

Blawgerman.

Baring My Inner Midriff -- Yuck!

2005-08-08T21:41:00.000-04:00

Baring My Inner Midriff -- Yuck!

Ok. I’m not a dainty guy. In fact, I am so large that I have my own gravity. I asked the doctor how I could lose thirty pounds of ugly fat and she told me to cut off my head! The point is, I know that I’m fat. No one needs to tell me not to wear the Speedo to the pool or to the beach. I am well aware of the fact that merely seeing me in a Speedo will necessitate intensive therapy for most. (The question is, will thinking about me in a Speedo have the same effect? – Let me know).

Now, I am in touch with my inner fatness. I am aware of my impact on those around me. Why is it, do you wonder, that most girls and women under 25 years of age don’t seem to have the same self awareness?

The scourge of Brittney Spears is the bare midriff. Sure, it’s been around…..but never in force like it has since the Brittney invasion. All of a sudden, the midsection is the rage. Commercials tell us how to have a “tone, sexy chord” and informertials pound us with all sorts of gadgets designed to firm up the gut. You can even buy a “six pack abs” how-to video by “fitness celebrity” Jon Basedow. (what is a “fitness celebrity?) (what if I have “keg abs?”)

With all of this midsection obsession, young women of all shapes and sizes have determined that the best way to look good is to bare what they got, so to speak. While women of all shapes and sizes have taken on the bare-midriff look, the problem is that only about 2 shapes and sizes of women can make that look work for them. For the rest, well…..in some cases thinking of me in a Speedo is preferable.

What prompts a person to push and cajole their body into skintight pants that barely cover their crotch and then to top off the wardrobe with a shirt that is two sizes two small? Most times, the effect is both startling and disturbing.

I don’t get it…..I know that there is an emphasis on feeling good about one’s self in our society, but I don’t want to flaunt the rolls of fat that I have to strangers and friends simply because I feel good about my body. Just because I may feel good in a Speedo does not give me the inclination to wear one downtown. I would even hope that my friends and family would hit me over the head with a blunt object before letting me parade my extra pounds in full view of the public.

If I can recognize that my shape and image is not appropriate for public viewing, I think that most women can have that same insight. Please.

Remember, if the bare-midriff look ever comes in for men, I promise not to be a slave to fashion!

Blawgerman

The Most Famous Hog in History....Three Legs Is Better Than None

2005-07-14T08:23:00.000-04:00

The Most Famous Hog In History.....Three Legs is Better Than None.

On a recent trip to visit a family friend, I was amazed to see a three-legged hog roaming loose on the farm. When I spoke to Tom, he told me that the hog was like family to him. Intrigued, I asked him how the hog lost his hind leg.

“Well, see, I was working on a tractor and didn’t notice that the durn thing was leaking gas. I didn’t even see that the gas was spreading and getting closer and closer to my ash tray with my cigarette burning in it. All of a sudden, this hog runs into the barn and grabs me by the scuff of my shirt and drags me out of the barn just as the tractor exploded! I would have been killed!”

“Wow,” I said. “That’s amazing. So he lost his leg in the explosion?”

“Oh, no,” my friend replied.

“Well, I don’t get it. How did the hog lose his leg?”

“Well, there was the time that me and the family was asleep in the house when an electrical fire started downstairs. We was all asleep upstairs. Next thing you know, the hog had run into the house oinking at the top of his little lungs. He jumped on our bed and got us up and out of the house. We looked up and realized our son was still in the house. Next thing you know, the darndest thing happened. That hog had gone into the house and grabbed my son. He took my kid and jumped out of the window with him. Saved my kid’s life.”

“I don’t believe it!” I said. “That has got to be the most incredible thing I’ve ever heard. So the pig lost his leg in the fire?”

“No,” replied my friend.

“Well, was it in the jump?” I asked.

“Not really,” said Tom.

Frustrated, I finally blurted out, “Then what the heck happened to the hog’s leg?”

“See,” said Tom, “when you have a hog that good, you just can’t eat him all at once.”

Blawgerman

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, What Have You Done?

2005-07-13T21:36:00.000-04:00

Bad, Bad, Bad.

Didn't believe me? The suds swindler rammed into these cars which rammed into the attached garage of a home just off the road. Bad Boys. Bad.

If you can't see the picture on your e-mail, go to www.imokyousuck.blogspot.com.

Blawgerman

Cruise Knows Pseudo-Sciences!

2005-07-11T16:40:00.000-04:00

Tom Cruise Knows a Pseudo-Science When He Sees One!!!!

If you read yesterday's blog about Cruise Missiles, you saw where Tom Cruise stated that psychiatry is a pseudo-science! Tom warns us that there are no chemical imbalances and that the pseudo-science of psychiatry will lead us to the "Brave New World."

Interestingly enough, Tom may know the history of psychiatry, but does he really understand the history of his own "religion," Scientology. You can visit their website at www.scientology.org if you don't believe what I am going to tell you.

A basic tenent of Scientology is the improvement of oneself through the use of "auditing" sessions with a cleric in the Church of Scientology. The auditing sessions are designed to make you aware of spiritual "problem areas" so that you can address your own shortcomings. The auditing sessions are done with a religious tool called the "E-Meter." (I wish I was kidding!)(You can see this bad boy in the upper left corner of this blog -- if you can't see it, go to www.imokyousuck.blogspot.com and you'll be able to see it there)

The E-Meter is .....well, I guess I can't say it better than the Scientologists themselves, who say the following at their website:

"E-Meter is a shortened term for electropsychometer. It is a religious artifact used as a spiritual guide in auditing. It is for use only by a Scientology minister or a Scientology minister-in-training to help the preclear locate and confront areas of spiritual upset.

In itself, the E-Meter does nothing. It is an electronic instrument that measures mental state and change of state in individuals and assists the precision and speed of auditing. The E-Meter is not intended or effective for the diagnosis, treatment or prevention of any disease.

The book Understanding the E-Meter offers a simple explanation of how the E-Meter works and what it actually measures. In order to understand what the E-Meter does, it is necessary to understand some basic Scientology concepts.

There are three basic parts of man — mind, body and thetan. The thetan is an immortal spiritual being — the individual himself. He (the thetan) inhabits a body, which is a carbon-oxygen machine. He has a mind, which is a collection of mental image pictures he has created. These pictures have weight and mass and can impinge on the person when he is emotionally upset.

This is what makes the E-Meter read — the impingement of such pictures against the body. The E-Meter puts a very small electrical current (approximately one-and-a-half volts) through the body. This is about the same amount of current as in the average battery-powered wristwatch. When a person thinks a thought, looks at a picture, reexperiences an incident or when he shifts some part of the pictures in his mind, he is moving and changing actual mental mass and energy. These changes in the person’s mind affect the tiny flow of electrical energy generated by the E-Meter, which causes the needle on its dial to move.

The E-Meter thus measures changes that are caused by the spiritual being in his own mind (i.e., the movement of mental masses around him) and in this capacity, it is a religious artifact.

The E-Meter is used to help the individual who is being audited uncover truth. By locating areas of mental or spiritual trauma, the E-Meter helps both the auditor and the preclear locate exactly what to address in auditing."

Amazing! Tom Cruise has the audacity to call psychiatry a pseudo-science when he routinely hooks himself up to an e-meter to let a scientology minister "audit" him. I think that Mr. Cruise is in dire need of some intensive auditing.......he may even be suffering from a chemical imbalance himself......He may even need to see a, God forbid, psychiatrist!

Blawgerman

Cruise Missiles!!!!

2005-07-11T08:00:00.000-04:00

CRUISE MISSILES!!!!!!!

Duck! Here comes another Cruise Missile!

The last one bopped Brooke Shields right in the kisser. What am I talking about? Tom Cruise, of course. Everyone's favorite Scientologist (behind John Travolta, that is). Scientology is a religion started by science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard.

During an interview with Matt Lauer, Mr. Cruise let fly a missile at Brooke Shields because he heard that she took antidepressants after the birth of her child. Here's what Top Gun said:

Cruise: I've never agreed with psychiatry, ever. Before I was a Scientologist I never agreed with psychiatry. And when I started studying the history of psychiatry, I understood more and more why I didn't believe in psychology. And as far as the Brooke Shields thing, look, you got to understand, I really care about Brooke Shields. I think, here's a wonderful and talented woman. And I want to see her do well. And I know that psychiatry is a pseudo science.

Lauer: But Tom, if she said that this particular thing helped her feel
better, whether it was the antidepressants or going to a counselor or
psychiatrist, isn't that enough?

Cruise: Matt, you have to understand this. Here we are today, where I talk out against drugs and psychiatric abuses of electric shocking people, okay, against their will, of drugging children with them not knowing the effects of these drugs. Do you know what Aderol is? Do you know Ritalin? Do you know now that Ritalin is a street drug? Do you understand that?

Lauer: The difference is -

Cruise: No, no, Matt.

Lauer: This wasn't against her will, though.

Cruise: Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt -

Lauer: But this wasn't against her will.

Cruise: Matt, I'm asking you a question.

Lauer: I understand there's abuse of all of these things.

Cruise: No, you see. Here's the problem. You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do.

Lauer: Aren't there examples, and might not Brooke Shields be an example, of someone who benefited from one of those drugs?

Cruise: All it does is mask the problem, Matt. And if you understand the history of it, it masks the problem. That's what it does. That's all it does. You're not getting to the reason why. There is no such thing as a chemical imbalance.

Lauer: So, postpartum depression to you is kind of a little psychological gobbledygook -

Cruise: No. I did not say that.

Lauer: I'm just asking what you, what would you call it?

Cruise: No. No. Abso- Matt, now you're talking about two different things.

Lauer: But that's what she went on the antidepressant for.

Cruise: But what happens, the antidepressant, all it does is mask the problem. There's ways, [with] vitamins and through exercise and various things... I'm not saying that that isn't real. That's not what I'm saying. That's an alteration of what I'm saying. I'm saying that drugs aren't the answer, these drugs are very dangerous. They're mind-altering, antipsychotic drugs. And there are ways of doing it without that so that we don't end up in a brave new world. The thing
that I'm saying about Brooke is that there's misinformation, okay. And she doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt.

Lauer: But a little bit of what you're saying Tom is, you say you want people to do well. But you want them do to well by taking the road that you approve of, as opposed to a road that may work for them.

Cruise: No, no, I'm not.

Lauer: Well, if antidepressants work for Brooke Shields, why isn't that okay?

Cruise: I disagree with it. And I think that there's a higher and better quality of life. And I think that, promoting - for me personally, see, you're saying what, I can't discuss what I wanna discuss?

Lauer: No. You absolutely can.

Cruise: I know. But Matt, you're going in and saying that, that I can't discuss this.

Lauer: I'm only asking, isn't there a possibility that - do you examine the possibility that these things do work for some people? That yes, there are abuses. And yes, maybe they've gone too far in certain areas. Maybe there are too many kids on Ritalin. Maybe electric shock -

Cruise: Too many kids on Ritalin? Matt.

Lauer: I'm just saying. But aren't there examples where it works?

Cruise: Matt. Matt, Matt, you don't even - you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is. If you start talking about chemical imbalance, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, Matt, okay? That's what I've done. Then you go and you say where's the medical test? Where's the blood test that says how much Ritalin you're supposed to get?

Lauer: It's very impressive to listen to you. Because clearly, you've done the homework. And you know the subject.

Cruise: And you should. And you should do that also. Because just knowing people who are on Ritalin isn't enough. You should be a little bit more responsible in knowing really -

Lauer: I'm not prescribing Ritalin, Tom. And I'm not asking anyone else to do it. I'm simply saying, I know some people who seem to have been helped by it.

Cruise: But you're saying this is a very important issue.

Lauer: I couldn't agree more.

Cruise: It's very - and you know what? You're here on the "Today" show.

Lauer: Right.

Cruise: And to talk about it in a way of saying, "Well, isn't it okay," and being reasonable about it when you don't know and I do, I think that you should be a little bit more responsible in knowing what it is.

Lauer: But -

Cruise: Because you communicate to people.

Lauer: But you're now telling me that your experiences with the people I know, which are zero, are more important than my experiences.

Cruise: What do you mean by that?

Lauer: You're telling me what's worked for people I know or hasn't worked for people I know. I'm telling you, I've lived with these people and they're better.

Cruise: So, you're advocating it.

Lauer: I am not. I'm telling you in their case, in their
individual case, it worked. I am not gonna go out and say, "Get your kids on Ritalin. It's the cure-all and the end-all."

Cruise: Matt, but here's the point. What is the ideal scene for life? Okay. The ideal scene is someone not having to take antipsychotic drugs.

Lauer: I would agree.

Cruise: Okay. So, now you look at a departure from that ideal scene, is someone taking drugs, okay. And then you go, okay. What is the theory and the science behind that, that justifies that?

Lauer: Let me take this more general, because I think you and I can go around in circles on this for awhile. And I respect your opinion. Do you want more people to understand Scientology? Would that be a goal of
yours?

Cruise: You know what? Absolutely. Of course, you know.

Lauer: How do you go about that?

Cruise: You just communicate about it. And the important thing is, like you and I talk about it, whether it's okay, if I want to know something, I go and find out. Because I don't talk about things that I don't understand. I'll say, you know what? I'm not so sure about that. I'll go find more information about it so I can come to an opinion based on the information that I have.

Lauer: You're so passionate about it.

WOW!!! Psychiatry is a psuedo-science! No one understands the problem with psychiatry the way that Mr. Cruise does, and certainly Matt Lauer and Brooke Shields don't know jack. Pretty impressive from a guy who is an advocate of Scientology, which, of course, ISN'T a psuedo-science. Stay tuned for tomorrow's blog where you will discover what an E-Meter is and how it helps Mr. Cruise. If you can't wait, see for yourself at www.scientology.org.

Blawgerman

Bad Boys? You Got the Tools, Use 'Em!

2005-07-09T08:56:00.000-04:00

Bad Boys? You Got the Tools, Use 'Em!

Here's a response I received about my Bad Boys blog. Thought everyone would like it.

Blawgerman,

Well, I see your point but I'm not sure you really understand the full impact of beer burglary on our little town and society as a hole. First off that case of brew may only retail at $18.00 (it's cheaper than water!!) but what about its street value. Did ya' think of that? A guy with the right kind of connections and a little swill savvy could easily make $24 or maybe even $30 on that heist and still have enough left over for a .08 blow test.

Now we're talking significant "ching, ching" and possible justification for maiming or killing one or two people, property damage is a no-brainer. And there's always the outside chance that a good video of the mayhem could get Allegan's Finest a little cop show glory and 5-15 seconds of national attention, that's just good for everybody.

But beyond that, beer banditry is a gateway crime. Once they have the beer - Slim Jims and Jerky are at risk - Doritos, chips and other salty snacks are targets - and public urination spews out of control. It's chaos, I tell you! Chaos!! Besides, I paid for those "Stop Sticks" they used and I want to see 'em used and find out if they work. I paid for those pistols and other firearms too. When do we get a chance to see those used? I don't think their radios work because I'm sure they would have just relayed the license number of that suds snatcher and picked him up later at his house. No fun in that. Quit being so near-sighted and look at the whole (yeah, I know how to spell it . . .) picture, Blawgerman. There's much more to life around here than common sense. Sheeesh!

Anonymous

Bad Boys II

2005-07-07T21:20:00.000-04:00

Bad Boys II

The story gets better.

It appears that our local deputies used "stop sticks" in an attempt to apprehend the great beer bandit. The stop sticks pop the car tires and cause the chase to end in a dramatic fashion.

Well, this one apparently ended with our thief losing control and hitting a house! You can only imagine what possible damage could have been done and which was only avoided by sheer luck and the grace of God.

I don't know if the entire case of beer was recovered. Stay tuned.....

Blawgerman

Bad Boys, Bad Boys, What Ya Gonna Do?

2005-07-07T07:43:00.000-04:00

BAD BOYS, BAD BOYS, WHAT YA GONNA DO?......................

Imagine my pride when I hear that my local county sheriff’s department has made yet another collar of a beer-stealing scofflaw.....Imagine my dismay when I hear of how the “collar” was made......

Apparently, the beer thief stopped at a little Mom and Pop store to make his heist. The target: a case of beer. A whole case. 24 cans. Retail value – $18.00. Stop the presses! Send out the Bat Signal!!!

Well, we can’t have our citizens worrying about the random theft of cases of beer, can we? The answer? An all-out assault on beer thievery. Our deputies, ever zealous to uphold the letter of the law, come out and learn what the beer bandit was driving.

Lo and behold, they see the get-away vehicle. What ensues? A high-speed chase. The Deputies deploy "stop sticks" to pop the thief's tires. The beverage bandit crashes into a house, several parked cars, and a garage. The beer pilferer is apprehended. Justice is served.....Or is it?

Imagine the following:

1. The robber or the police hit a small child walking across the road.

2. The thief or the police get involved in an accident with another innocent car and driver.

3. The thief loses his life or is paralyzed by the impact of crashing into the parked cars.

4. An innocent person sitting in a house gets smashed by the thief's car.

I could go on and on. But the point is this, was the high-speed chase over a case of beer justifiable? Is it OK for the police to engage in an activity that puts the citizens of this county at risk over the theft of a single case of beer? As it is, the bandit rammed some parked cars. Was he insured? Probably not. If not, then he has done thousands of dollars of damage to property in the county as a result of the chase. The $18 case of beer has turned into $5000 of repairs to vehicles and possible unpaid hospital bills for the driver.

Where do we draw the line? If it is OK to enter a high-speed chase over a case of beer, is it OK to chase the six-pack thief? What if he nicks a 42 ouncer? What justifies the risk of a high speed chase in our county?

There is a point at which the police should use common sense in deciding whether to chase a criminal. The theft of a case of beer does not justify a high speed chase. It is incumbent upon our Sheriff to lay down guidelines to ensure that this type of high-speed pursuit is done only in cases where the risk is justified. It is incumbent upon the citizens of this county to demand accountability in the sheriff’s department when this type of behavior occurs.

Blawgerman

Gee, That Baby's Cute (and Other Lies)

2005-06-24T08:11:00.000-04:00

Gee, That Baby’s Cute (and Other Lies)

What Do You Say About an Ugly Baby?

Ever have the following situation happen to you? You're somewhere minding your own business and the conversation turns to children. The happy couple is busy showing off their new child. It looks like a mix between Danny DiVito and a Shar-Pei (the wrinkly dog). They ask you about the kid, or worse yet, your wife turns to you and says, “isn’t it a pretty baby?”

Of course, now you’re on the spot. Do you go with honesty? Or do you lie?

Honesty would dictate the following responses:

Man, I wouldn’t have the heart to scare crows with a picture of that kid’s face!

Here, kid. Have a banana.

Pretty? Isn’t pretty in the eye of the beholder?

Of all the kids out there, it’s one of them.

When does its head turn in circles?

Now there’s a face that could crash a thousand ships.

Too bad it’s not a boy. There’s a lot more chances out there for ugly guys than ugly girls.

Yea. Pretty. Of course, splotchy skin and squashed noses are like two of my favorite things.

Geez, did they have to use the foreceps right in the middle of his head? Is that gonna heal?

Will its knuckles always drag the ground?

Yea. Pretty. What’s his name? Curious George?

Ok. When is it gonna start talking in a weird voice, grab the knife, and start chasing us around?

You stare at the kid for a long time and then yell, “It’s Alive!!!!...........................It’s Alive!!!!”

Well, at least plastic surgery has come a long way.

Better start workin’ on that kid’s personality.

Maybe you should lie...................................

Blawgerman

Happy Dysfunction Day!!!!!!

2005-06-15T09:08:00.000-04:00

Dysfunction Day Cards

Mothers’ Day..........Fathers’ Day...........Boy. Great days if you’re Ozzie or Harriet or one of their kids.......Great days if you grew up on the set of Mayberry RFD (or something eerily like it). But for those who grow up in slightly to greatly dysfunctional families, these days can be tough.

First, go to the card store. Flowery, eloquent cards await you. “Gee, Mom, you’re greater than great, sweeter than honey, more super than Superman, and the best human being in the world.” “Dad, you are a man among men, a tower of virtue and strength, and you’ve guided me through every pitfall known to man.”

What if? What if cards at the store were brutally honest? Would they sell? I don’t know, but there are many out there whose family life is not reflected in the choices of cards available to the general public.

How about these little ditties?

Dear Mom, of all of the mothers in the world, you are one of them. Thanks. (You can substitute Dad for this one)

Dear Dad, thanks for bailing out on us and making us face the world on our own. You should have named us boys “Sue.”

Dear Mom, thanks for not taking any medicine for your emotional problems and letting us help you sort through the chaos.

Dear Mom, thanks for the string of losers that lived with you after Dad. I now know what not to do.

Dear Dad, thanks for fishing, hunting, playing poker, and working on cars so that you could avoid your wife and kids. I’ve now learned the art of avoiding conflict by disappearing.

Dear Mom and Dad, thanks for letting me be the adult in the family from age 10. I think every kid should learn how to run a family at an early age.

Dear Dad, thanks for giving me everything I wanted just because you felt guilty about leaving Mom. I don’t really blame you for the fact that I’m now thirty and in my seventh job and third marriage and still looking for someone to give me everything I want.

Dear Mom, thanks for making me believe that I could get by in the world without any responsibilities to anyone else. My life works so well because my focus is me. By the way, can you speak to my boss? How ‘bout my wife? Thanks.

Dear Dad, thanks for helping me realize that the best way to cope with life is through the use of alcohol. I never realized how little things really matter when you’re slobbering drunk.

Blawgerman

College Degrees and Cool Cities.....and No Jobs

2005-05-23T09:51:00.000-04:00

Our venerable Governor says that Michigan needs more people with college degrees to make us more “competitive” in the new global economy. Maybe she hasn’t looked at the border, but jobs are flocking out of our state and headed to sunnier, cheaper, foreign places thanks to NAFTA. In fact, the global economy is kicking Michigan’s butt. The answer, proclaims our wise and forward-thinking Governor, is more college degrees.

The reason? Well, other states that have more people with college degrees are doing better. Great. That’s the best she can do? More degrees with no jobs only means you have a more educated unemployment roll. Damn the jobs and pass the degrees!!!!

Of course, on my way into work this morning I hear a dire account of a person graduating with an education degree that simply cannot find work in Michigan. She was told that to find a job she would have to look in California, Florida, or North Carolina. WHAT? What about our Governor’s plan? That’s my point. We now have another set of educated people with no jobs and no hope of getting jobs in Michigan. We can educate them and send them to other states, apparently.

Maybe I expect too much from a leader who tells us that we need “Cool Cities” and provides funding to make it so. “Cool?” That term was old in the 70's. She could have at least made a “Phat Cities” initiative, which would be more in keeping with the State’s bulging waistlines. (At least we can lead the nation in weight!) Cool Cities means more bars and nightclubs to attract the few college grads that get jobs. Last I looked, the cities weren’t cool and the jobs were not flocking back to Michigan, even though some of our cities are now “Cool.” (I wonder what they were before they were “Cool?”......Maybe we could do a “Square Cities” initiative. “Square” is an old, out of date slang word.....maybe we could advertise that it’s now “Hip to be Square!” Oh, man....I’d be surprised if I didn’t get a call from Granholm’s people asking me to join their marketing team!!!!)

Well, I’ll just sit around waiting for my city to get Cool and for more people with college degrees to get here. I hope the Calvary of college educated, cool people is on its way, because Michigan sorely needs the help. In the meantime, I’ll hold my breath............

Blawgerman

More More Anybody Home? .....Sucks to be dumber than a bag of hammers

2005-05-18T08:07:00.000-04:00

MORE ANYBODY HOME? Here are more responses that I have received to the Anybody Home? blog. This is for all those guys and gals who are synaptically-challenged! Describe anyone you know? Here goes........................

2 more points on his IQ and he could be a corn flake

two rungs short of a ladder.

three fries short of a happy meal.

If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to run an ant's motor-scooter halfway around a Cheerio

a little loose in the loafers

a few clowns short of a circus

the cheese slid off his cracker

fell out of a Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

as smart as bait

antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

belt doesn't go through all the loops

Keep ‘em coming!

Blawgerman

I've Got Gas!!!!.................Gas Pains Suck

2005-05-12T07:50:00.000-04:00

Driving out of my wonderful little town, I glanced at one of the gas stations that I frequent. Lo and behold, gas prices had dropped below $2.00 per gallon! I was happy. Little did I know, but I should have stopped...........

On my way to the doc’s office, I stopped being happy about how gas had fallen below $2.00 per gallon and started getting angry...........

That’s right. I got angry at being happy. I’m angry that gas at $1.98 makes me happy. What has happened to me? The insidious psychology of the gas moguls has seized my brain. They’ve done it. I’m nothing more than a Pavlovian gas dog.......I wag my tail and eagerly buy when gas “dips” to the $2.00 level. In less than a year, I have completely forgotten the glorious $1.39 days. The $.79 cent days of my youth are nothing but ancient history. My kids look at me as if I was Hannibal crossing the Alps on an elephant!

Ok, already. I have a Suburban. A gas guzzler. The wooly mammoth of vehicles. I’m doing my part to deplete the Earth of all possible resources at the earliest possible time. Still, I hate pulling out the cash to refill the insatiable gas demands of my vehicle! I so desperately want to deplete the Earth’s resources at little cost to me!

But I digress. I drive five miles out of town and see that gas has changed to $2.27 in five minutes! By the time I arrive at my destination some 25 miles away, gas at every station is now $2.27 and $2.28. How is it that gas drops in increments of 1 and 2 cents and increases at $.30 cent intervals? How is it that every gas station in Southwestern Michigan jumps the same $.30 cents within 45 minutes?

Should I call my congressman (or woman, as the case may be)? No. Not likely to help. They drive. If they could do something or wanted to do something, they would have already. Should I complain to someone? Who? Once I find out who to complain to, what do I say that isn’t already obvious to anyone who is alive and can pump gas?

Sadly, I review my options and deplore them. There really is only one option open to me. Put your money where the money is. Buy Shell..............Buy Exxon...........Oh, excuse me........I’ve got gas.

Blawgerman

More "Anybody Home?"......Light's on, but nobody's there.

2005-05-11T08:38:00.000-04:00

Here are some responses that I have received to the “Anybody Home” blog that wanted to find more creative ways to say that some people’s elevators just don’t seem to make it to the top floor:

Dumber than a bag of hammers.

Couldn't spell CAT if you spotted him the "C" and the "A".

If brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his nose. (version 1)

If brains were gun powder he wouldn’t have enough to blow his nose (version 2)

A few sandwiches short of a picnic.

Doesn’t have both oars in the water

Phone’s off the hook

A couple of cans short of a six-pack

If he picked his nose his head would cave in

Couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions were on the heel

2nd grade was the best five years of his life

Yo. Talk to Me.

2005-05-10T07:17:00.000-04:00

Instant messaging........e-mail..........voice-mail............cell phones.........fax machines......the internet.

Instant communication. Instant gratification.

Say what you want, when you want, to who you want. Now.........

Wow.

Communication has come so far.

But with all of the instant communication going on, why is it that so many people don’t feel connected? Have we lost the art of simple, hand-written communication?

I used to write people hand-written letters all of the time. As my life got more complicated and as typing and word processing became more accessible, I found that I just didn’t have time to sit down and hand-write a letter anymore. I mean, why write something by hand at 12 words per minute when you can type it at 90 words per minute and instantly e-mail the letter pretty near anywhere in the world?

My life is so hectic that I have instant relationships. E-mail me this. Direct connect me when you get this. Send me the fax now. Check my e-mail. Check my voice-mail.

How many of you receive the Christmas letter that is done on a word-processor and sent out to everyone. Some have pictures and look like they were professionally published. A kind of family history of the past year. You get to keep up with people, but it is not personal. You see, writing letters that are personalized to each and every person would take too long, and no one wants to take up that kind of time when you can write one letter and mass-mail it to all of your friends and family.

When is the last time you received a hand-written letter? I can’t remember the last time I sent a hand-written letter, but I do remember receiving one. It’s funny. The impact of that hand-written note was so much greater than the ton of instant communication that overwhelms me each day. To know that someone out there cared enough about me to sit down and write a letter, address the envelope by hand, and put it in the mail made a huge impact upon me.

It also convicted me. The time spent hand-writing an instant letter demonstrates to the reader that they are worth more than simply an instant e-mail or fax. The personal touch of taking time to communicate with another can itself make communication more gratifying. I will be writing more hand-written notes and letters....if nothing else, as a way to show my friends and family that I value them enough to take time out of my day to send them a personal greeting.

The gratification will not be instant, but it will be satisfying.

Blawgerman

Livin' the American Dream...........

2005-05-06T08:10:00.000-04:00

Kickin’ back on the new deck. A gorgeous view of the 1 ½ acre lot spreads out before me as I sit on the new LL Bean Adirondack chair. Running a couple of businesses and owning a nice home. “Holy cow, does it get better than this?” I thought.

Thinking has typically been my problem.

“Wow, I’m so glad that I don’t live in the evil Chinese empire or that communist Cuban island where the governments own everything,” I mused.

Musing has typically been my problem.

Thinking and musing usually go better with a cold beverage. So I walked into the kitchen with a kind of pro-American mantra-type thing going on. Maybe I was humming the Star Spangled Banner.

Then I saw IT.

The tax bill. Property taxes. My mind came to a screeching halt. I OWNED my house, didn’t I?

Let’s see. I bought the house. I pay for the house. I furnished the house. I remodeled the house. I invest in the house. I even have a mortgage from the bank, who must think that I own it. So why am I not convinced?

What happens if I decide that I don’t want to pay the property taxes. It’s only $3000 per year anyway. Plus, it’s America! I own the place. I even pay less taxes because it’s my “homestead.” The word “homestead” brings to mind roaming buffalo and playing deer and antelope. How much more American can you get than taking care of the old homestead?

Taxes! Blah!

Well, don’t pay them and see what happens. In less than two years, the house you bought, paid for, furnished, remodeled, invested in, and mortgaged, will belong entirely to the local government. Why? Because you don’t own the house. You don’t own the land. You have the right to live there one year at a time (as long as you pay your taxes) bestowed upon you by your local government.

What’s even cooler is the fact that as you remodel and invest in the home, you have to pull permits to do the work. When a permit is pulled, a local assessor will come to your house and “reassess” your home. It turns out that the more you invest in the home, the more taxes you will pay on the home in order to keep living there! What a concept........

You will pay taxes every year on your home. Why? Because the government really owns the land your home sits on. Home “ownership” is merely an illusion. We just have the right to fix up the house and sell it for a profit to some other “renter.” Oh, yea. The profits that you make on the home might even be subject to capital gains tax.

I don’t get it. America is the center of the “Free Market” world, yet we cannot truly own the homes that we live in. Are we so conditioned to renting from the government that the issue is not even open to discussion? Are we so brainwashed into thinking that property taxes are a part of life that we don’t question it? Just like the old saying, “nothing is sure in life except death and taxes.”

My trip back to the Adirondack chair was, to say the least, disheartening. I surveyed the 1 ½ acres that I thought I owned and lost myself in my drink.......................What is the tune to the Chinese National Anthem?

Blawgerman

Integrity, or the Lack Thereof......People Can Suck

2005-04-18T21:39:00.000-04:00

As a lawyer, I come face-to-face with the rampant lack of integrity in our society. Trials for divorce and custody cases are perjury-fests. No one cares that perjury is a five-year felony. Why not? Because no one in Allegan County has been charged with perjury for the past 25 years. Have all the witnesses been that honest? Hah!

Lawyers, judges, prosecutors, and the public in general have come to accept the fact that people will lie when the stakes are big enough. They will act with self-preservation, even if it means that they put their hand on the Bible and swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help them God. There is no expectation of honesty, and no punishment of dishonesty. At least in medieval times, there was the fear of eternal torment at the hands of an angry God. Now, lying is done with impunity.

It’s not just divorce cases, either. People will tell obvious lies in criminal and civil cases as well. Even when it would be easy to prove perjury, there simply is not a societal will to hold the perjurers accountable for their actions.

It is a sign of our times. I come from the old school where my word is my bond. I have sold buildings on a handshake and have had people lend me thousands of dollars on my word. I have repaid every loan ever made to me, and closed on a building that had no purchase agreement ever drafted. I will do what I tell my clients not to do, and that is to enter into verbal agreements and not worry about the fact that there is no written contract.

I started a real estate office because of my immense distaste for the lack of integrity in so many things that I had to do in the law. Now, however, I find that the same lack of integrity that is rampant in my clients in the law firm is the same lack of integrity that people display in buying and selling houses.

People will take a real estate agent and use that agent to see dozens of houses, which involves calling other agents, making sure no one is home at the time of the showing, printing information on each of the homes, and going with the client to the homes. After finding out about all the homes in a particular price range in a particular area, the person will then strike a deal on his or her own and completely cut out the agent, even though that agent spent hours of time helping the person find out about houses in the area. I have found that people, including pastors, will even cut out the agent even though they have signed an exclusive contract for our office to represent them just to save a few bucks!

In my naivete, I thought there would be less integrity issues in real estate, but I was wrong. No matter what I do in life, I have to do it with other people. When you interact with others, you open yourself up to the fact that many people in our society are so self-centered that they have no qualms about harming you if it helps them.

I pray for the strength not to become so cynical that I cannot trust anyone any longer, and I am thankful for the faithful friends and acquaintances that I have that do value their personal integrity over and above the things of this world. Were it not for them, it would be easy to despair.

I write in hopes that those of you reading this who have integrity stay the course and those of you who lack it can see the error of your ways and make life changes that restore your integrity.

Blawgerman

Anybody Home?

2005-04-14T21:30:00.000-04:00

You know these guys. They are the guys that ask the dumb questions at the wrong time. They talk too loud in the theater. They hear the punch line and look at you quizzically, wondering when the punch line is coming. OK................lots of them are my relatives. Speaking of my relatives, I wonder if a man and woman get divorced in Kentucky, are they still brother and sister? But I digress.................back to the issue:

A few bricks shy of a load

A couple of fries short of a Happy Meal

The elevator doesn’t quite make it to the top floor

A dim bulb

Not the brightest bulb in the bunch

Not the sharpest tool in the shed

The flame just doesn’t burn that hot

The light’s on, but nobody’s home

Not a rocket scientist

Describe anyone you know? These work for me. However, I could use some help on more colorful descriptions of those who just don’t seem to be on the same page as the rest of us. E-mail me at mikevillar@alleganlaw.com or post your comments at www.imokyousuck.blogspot.com

Blawgerman

Embracing Your Inner Nose........

2005-04-13T23:32:00.000-04:00

In my recent journey to get in touch with my inner nose, I have discovered some very interesting things and some very disturbing things.

First, I never knew just how much you take your nose for granted. You go along for years sniffing, sneezing, snorting, snoring, smelling, an d generally not realizing how nice it is to have a pain-free nose. That all changes the minute you let a doctor cut up the inside of the old sniffer.

I had knee surgery and took two vicodin. I had surgery on my fingers and took one darvocet. I had nose surgery and took a bottle of vicodin and called the doc begging for more. As I was trying to embrace the pain, I had a disturbing realization that I was experiencing what Michael Jackson has experienced so many times before......nose reconstruction! He’s like my brother in pain. Like.......a brother from another planet. And I thought vicodin made my head spin! I used to think Michael Jackson was a sissy. Now I view him as a nose war hero. Well, maybe that’s why he has a problem with pain-killers.

After derailing that disturbing train of thought, I began to realize just how many things affect your nose on a day to day basis. There is nothing like shooting, searing pain to let you know that a part of your body is being affected! Smile and your nose moves. Frown and your nose moves. Yawn. Sneeze. Sniff. Speak. Laugh. Cry. Eat. Breath. Everything moves the old schnozzola. I find that you can’t prevent your nose from moving during the above-detailed actions either. It’s not like you can get a nose sling from the doctor.

The other interesting thing that I find is just how much you can really smell things when you don’t have your entire nose blocked off by a deviated septum. Foods that I used to like now really stink. Yuck. I long for the days of blissful smelling ignorance. I didn’t really realize just how offensive body odor was until I got on the elevator with a really skanky fellow. Man, how do you normal-smelling people do this on a day-to-day basis?

Blawgerman

Stupid Idiots......(I'd rather be a stupid idiot than a stupid moron)

2005-04-05T11:14:00.000-04:00

“You STUPID IDIOT!” screamed my client at her soon-to-be Ex. “You STUPID, FRICKIN’ MORON” she continued as the attorneys sat back and watched the drama unfold. Although nothing came to blows and the case eventually settled, a thought occurred to me, and I figure I’d better share it before it dies of loneliness.

Why do we feel the need to put the word, “stupid” in front of “idiot” or “moron?” I mean, isn’t it enough that we call the person an idiot or a moron. We then have to take the next step and say of all the idiots and morons, you are among the most stupid of the stupid. Then I wondered if you really could have a “stupid idiot”...........................you can.

Here’s what Dictionary.com has to say about the word IDIOT:

A person of profound mental retardation having a mental age below three years and generally being unable to learn connected speech or guard against common dangers. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use and is now considered offensive.

Hmmm......offensive. I need to know more about a classification system that is considered offensive. As an attorney, I’m always on the lookout for newer, more sophisticated ways of being offensive.

The classification system includes MORONS and IMBECILES. An IMBECILE is:

A person of moderate to severe mental retardation having a mental age of from three to seven years and generally being capable of some degree of communication and performance of simple tasks under supervision. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use and is now considered offensive.

A MORON is:
A person of mild mental retardation having a mental age of from 7 to 12 years and generally having communication and social skills enabling some degree of academic or vocational education. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use and is now considered offensive.

Well, there you have it. An classification system that is NOW considered offensive. Don’t you miss the good old days when this classification system was not offensive. I wonder what has changed? I mean, we still use the words and all.

Oh well....back to the original point. You can have a stupid idiot. That would be an idiot who is not near the mental age of 3 but is instead at a mental age of 1 or something like that. So, a stupid idiot is the worst thing you can be in the offensive classification system.

Of course, I will no longer get the same satisfaction out of calling someone a stupid moron because a moron is the highest functioning of the “offensive” classifications.

I probably should start using the term “imbecile” more often, because technically, many of the people I meet fall into that range. I am simply aghast that I have been so blithely misusing this offensive classification system for so long and, as a wordsmith, I am simply ashamed and vow to correctly convey accurate meanings from this point forward as I describe the various and sundry people I meet in day-to-day life.

I wonder how many Village Idiots were really Village Imbeciles................

Blawgerman

Follow Your Nose....It Always Knows.....

2005-04-04T09:35:00.000-04:00

Man, Oh, Man. Nose surgery. Septoplasty. Sure, it’ll be just fine once you fix that nasty, deviated septum.

Joe Trusting. That’s me. I march right into the hospital on my own free will and plop down on the bed expecting a few snips and the old Schnozz will be as good as new.

Well, it didn’t quite work out that way. Turns out that nose surgery requires general anesthesia (which includes a tube down your throat). You wake up and find two plugs shoved into your nasal cavaties which makes breathing through your nose a physical impossibility (they did warn me that I might experience a sensation of “pressure”). Of course, your breathing is limited to being through your mouth and you’ve just had a tube jerked out of your throat.....so don’t mind me if I panic a bit because I simply cannot breath!

Then I had to endure plugs and packing for 24 hours. Finally, I went back to the doc to have the plugs taken out. They looked like pull-tabs you might find on a diet coke. He started pulling and it felt like one of those little cars in the circus where all the midgets keep getting out of the car and you know that they really couldn’t have been that many in there anyway. The sensation is one akin to having your brains sucked out with a McDonald’s straw.

Then, after everything is out, the doc pics up a long, skinny metal tube that has a 45 degree angle on it. I have no idea that he's about to violate my nasal cavity with the nefarious tube. He shoved it through my nose and proceeded to vacuum out the inside of my nasal cavity (much like the dentist’s saliva sucker). Man’s nose isn’t made to vacuum, and the tears were real, thank you.

Once the stuff was out, they tell me not to blow my nose for three or four days. What is the one thing that you want to do more than anything? Blow your nose of course. Oh, yea. They told me not to sneeze. Ya think? With the inside of my nose sewn together with silly string, the last thing I want to do is sneeze the insides of my nose out.

Well, the vicodin was rolling. I felt pretty good as long as I was doped up. They don’t tell you, though, that as soon as the drugs are gone, you feel like a herd of elephants is tromping around inside of your head. Oh yea, you can just imagine the pretty colors of the things I was spitting and blowing out of my nasal cavities.

All in all, the whole idea seems to be a bad one. What exactly was I thinking? Was I thinking? They tell me that next week I will wake up singing the praises of the procedure. We’ll see. In the meantime, I’ve got elephants to round up.

Blawgerman.

You’re In Good Hands......(well, maybe they sneezed and didn’t wash them and, uh, don’t mind the open sores)

2005-03-31T07:37:00.000-05:00

You’re In Good Hands......(well, maybe they sneezed and didn’t wash them and, uh, don’t mind the open sores)

News Flash! Insurance companies are suing the state of Michigan! Their beef? The State won’t let them use personal credit scores to determine insurance rates.

Why not? Well, it goes like this......low personal credit scores are generally held by lower socio-economic people. Lower socio-economic folks tend to have poorer health, worse cars, live in higher risk neighborhoods, and generally inhabit that nether-world of insurance risk where the insurance companies just can’t come out and say, “we don’t want low-income, scummy people to insure! We only want to screw people that can pay well.”

The insurance companies respond with some innocuous blithering that credit report scores tend to reveal those who will pay their bills on time. Aside from being overly simplified and simply not true, it is the best they can do in hiding their more nefarious desire to cut out low income people from affordable insurance coverage.

But mark my word. The state Court of Appeals is owned by the Insurance Companies. The state Supreme Court is owned by the insurance companies. My underwriters and my actuaries tell me that the insurance companies are on their way to victory against our little state. In fact, the insurance companies are kind of miffed that their lackeys in the legislature would let something like this get nixed by the very government they helped to install. Ingrates.

Well, I’ll be waiting to see the line in Vegas on the outcome of this one and when the line hits, my underwriters say I’m betting the farm on the Insurance Companies.

Blawgerman

'Roid Rage, Anyone? (Steroids Suck)

2005-03-30T02:45:00.000-05:00

Hey, hope you guys missed me. Between strep throat and surgery for a deviated septum, things have been a bit rough for the Blawgerman. But, I’m climbing back in the saddle and ready to explore the silly, stupid, sad, sinful, sorry, scummy, and otherwise scurrilous behaviors of our fellow human beings.

Let’s start with some baseball guys who just happen to hold some pretty serious baseball records. Mark McGuire and Barry Bonds. Bonds, of course, will pass Henry Aaron for the most home runs in a career in the next year or so. He also holds the season record for home runs at some ungodly numer (Babe Ruth’s 61 was thought to be unbeatable....the 4:00 mile....the 8 second 100 yard dash......). I guess we didn’t count on the added boost that can be found in steroids, human growth hormone, blood doping, and other ingenious ways of adding superhuman strength to the human body (damn the cost to the body, of course).

Jose Canseco, a fellow Cuban, is the guy who broke the “brotherhood of silence” by writing his tell-all about steroid use. It seems he is finding out that not much pays like baseball did, and writing a book blasting everyone was some quick and easy money. Anyway, he says that Jason Giambi (a league MVP), Mark McGuire (home run record), Barry Bonds (home run record) were all on the juice along with Canseco.

Bonds, like the child that he is, brings his kid to a press conference and informs the press that they have finally beaten him and his family. They won’t have Barry Bonds to kick around anymore. His kid just sits that and looks sad. Pity the guy. He’s making more money than some countries just to play a kid’s game, and he’s crying foul. There is also a press leak that Bonds admitted to maybe taking steroids received from his trainer, who just so happens to provide all the other big steroid users in baseball.

Look at the man. He started the game as a trim, athletic player just like his father. A threat to hit home runs and steal bases with a mean glove in the outfield. Now he’s 40. He’s gained 90 pounds of muscle mass and is in better “shape” that he was at 28. Maybe he’s the anomaly. Maybe he’s the one guy that can keep working the weights and end up running forever. Of course, genetics tells us that 40 year olds should be declining in strength and endurance and not having their best home run years in their late 30s and early 40s.

Mark McGuire testifies as the US Congressional Hearings on Steroid use in baseball. He appears and looks emaciated. He has lost over 70 pounds since leaving baseball. Did he just quit working out? Or did he quit using steroids once his main use for them (namely, making millions and millions of dollars as a pro athelete) was completed. He dodged every direct question as to whether he used and answered he was there to “look to the future.” Gimme a break.

The truth of the matter is that because pro sports pays obscene sums of money for professional athletes at the top of their sports, there will be millions of dollars invested in finding the newest and best chemical enhancements for those athletes. They are willing to pay and they are willing to risk giving away years of their lives in their lust for power and fame (remember Lyle Alzado? Football player making a comeback at age 40 by being pumped full of Human Growth Hormone, or HGH. He didn’t realize the HGH would cause him to suffer a brain tumor that grew at the same rate his muscles were expanding. He’s dead.)

I do, though, find it funny that baseball steroid users warrant Congressional Hearings when every Sunday, the Washington Redskins take the field in our nation's Capitol and some 100 abnormally large, abnormally athletic freaks of nature descend upon the football fields and wreak havoc on one another. No one has requested a Congressional Hearing on how a 285 pound linebacker can have 3% body fat and run the 40 in 4.4 seconds.

Well, I’ve got to go take my writing steroids and hope no one finds out (especially Congress or even Jose Canseco!).

Blawgerman

Helmets and Seat Belts, Senate and House....(A Tale of Two Morons)

2005-03-19T16:15:00.000-05:00

FREEDOM!!!!!!!!

Finally......our Michigan state Senate approved a bill to allow motorcyclists to ride without helmets! The vote was 21-13. You have to have been licensed to operate a motorcycle for at least two years or have taken a safety course. They have been trying to get this bill through for two years now.

Republican Senator Bruce Patterson of Canton said “individual liberty trumps other considerations. People have died so that we can be free, to allow people to be free is a free land unencumbered by big government’s intrusion.” I can almost see the flag waving majestically in the background as large tears well up in my eyes as I repeat what Senator Patterson said.

FREEDOM!!!!!!!!

Wait a minute.....Are these the same people who brought us the catchy “click it or ticket” campaign? The same people who are getting $90 a pop when hapless car and truck drivers are caught driving without their seat belts? The same guys who changed the law to allow the police to stop a car simply because the driver isn’t wearing a seat belt?

Hmmmm.....Let’s see.....I can drive around on a motorcycle without a seat belt or helmet because “individual liberty trumps other considerations.” Man, I could race around helmetless on my Harley and be “unencumbered by big government’s intrusion.” That is, until I park my motorcycle and climb into my Suburban. Then, of course, the big hand of government’s intrusion comes and slaps me right upside the seat belt!

I don’t get it. Maybe I expect too much consistency from the guys who make our laws.....Come to think of it, these are the same guys who made writing a check on a closed bank account a 14 year felony and assault with intent to do great bodily harm a 10 year felony!

Well, at least I don’t have to wear a helmet as I’m driving my Suburban.

Blawgerman

Help Us! We're So In Need!.....Insurance Companies Suck

2005-03-17T09:57:00.000-05:00

I just heard this morning that everyone in Michigan will have to pay about $140 more per car for car insurance. The reason? Well, Michigan’s No Fault Insurance requires insurance companies to pay for lifetime medical care for persons who are injured in automobile accidents. The insurance companies say that they need the money because of the rising cost of health care. $140 per car in Michigan! Ever wonder how many insured cars there are in Michigan? 6,480,569 at the end of 2003 to be exact! There are 2,002,000 more commercial vehicles as well.

(See http://www.michigan.gov/documents/summary_of_fees_collected_25683_7.pdf)

I think that insurance companies are going to do pretty good at $140 a pop.

The numbers are simply staggering. Where is the proof that the insurance companies have had to absorb those numbers or are losing money? Where is the proof that health costs have risen that much? Could it be that our state government has simply given up regulating the insurance industry at the expense of its citizens?

Well, there is something that most people don’t know that has happened in Michigan in the past year which has given another windfall to the car insurance companies. The Kriener case. The case has to deal with injuries suffered in an automobile accident by persons who are not at fault. Previous to the case, a “serious impairment of an important bodily function” allowed a person to sue the negligent driver for pain and suffering.

In one of my cases, an elderly black gentleman was the passenger in a car that turned in front of traffic. In the ensuing accident, my client suffered four broken ribs, a punctured lung, and various other smaller injuries. At the time, the serious impairment requirement was met with any broken bone. My client still suffered effects from his injuries over a year after the accident, and they seriously affected his lifestyle and ability to enjoy life for six months. To this day, he will not be a passenger in a motor vehicle. My client would have received a $60,000 settlement prior to the Kriener case. His case was dismissed and he received nothing for his injuries.

In that case, our Supreme Court (which many say has been bought and paid for by the insurance companies), ruled that a “serious impairment of an important bodily function” requires proof of severe and permanent impairment, completely obliterating the past cases which had previously defined a serious impairment. Now, it is extremely difficult to sue for any pain and suffering incurred in an automobile accident in the state of Michigan.

What is not known is that automobile insurance companies are on a crusade across the state to get trial courts to dismiss automobile negligence cases. They are succeeding. The result? A windfall of millions and millions of dollars to the insurance companies. My little office has lost two cases, which previously would have netted $120,000. Imagine how many other cases have been dismissed.

What happened to the unexpected windfall received by the insurance companies? A refund? No. Not in this lifetime. Instead, they complain about rising health care costs and get a $140 per vehicle increase in rates.

Something is rotten in Denmark......or is that Lansing?

Blawgerman

Vengeance is Mine.....

2005-03-15T09:25:00.000-05:00

I did court-appointed felony work for about 5 years. During that time, I saw many, many things which have had a great impact on my career as a lawyer and as a person. Tragedies occur on a daily basis in our society, and as a lawyer, you get to see the impact of them on so many people around you.

I recall having numerous cases where young drivers (all male) had gone out and gotten drunk. They then get behind the wheel and cause terrible accidents. When they come to, get sober, and finally realize what they have done, they experience terrible guilt and shame at their actions. Quite often, the person that has died in the accident (or worse yet, who is crippled) is a close personal friend of the driver. The knowledge that you caused the death or serious injury of a close friend is itself a punishment that goes far beyond whatever a court can do to punish a person.

I have stood beside my clients in the courtroom as they are sentenced thousands of times. Victims of the crimes have an opportunity to speak to the offender at that time. Countless times I have heard victims vent their frustrations, anger, hatred, and despair at the person who harmed them or their family member. In drunk driving cases involving death, I have heard people say that Hell is not a good enough place for the offender and that they hope that the offender has to suffer in this life what he has made the victim’s family suffer.

The response of the victims is understandable, but rarely does their venting of the hurt, anger, and pain really have an impact on the offender, who already feels bad and who already knows that he is in need of severe punishment for justice to be accomplished. However, there was one sentencing when the victim of the crime accomplished an everlasting change in one of my clients.

My client, a twenty year old man, got drunk and drove the wrong way down US 131. He got into a head-on collision with a 55 year old woman who was on her way home. She died instantly and my client suffered numerous serious injuries to his leg and foot, none of them life-threatening. He plead guilty to the charge and sentencing was set. My client felt awful about what had happened and felt that he deserved whatever punishment was set by the court.

At sentencing, a 56 year old man, the husband of the wife who had been killed, got up and read the following statement that he had prepared beforehand (and I paraphrase):

Dear wife,

Never again will I awaken to the smell of coffee brewing in the kitchen, nor will I ever have the chance to walk by you as you sit at the kitchen table and catch the faint drift of my favorite perfume.

We will never be able to retire to our cottage and spend long afternoons walking hand-in-hand along the beach as we have so many times before.

I will never get the chance again to tell you how much I love you and how much your friendship and companionship has meant to me over the long years of our life together, because that chance has been taken away from me by a young man who made such a terrible decision.

I miss you and love you with all of my heart, and look forward to again being reunited with you in Heaven. Until that time, there will be a void in my life and my heart that only you and your touch can fill. I only hope that someday I will again experience the joy that I took so for granted in my years with you. I love you.

Then he turned to my client and said,

Young man, you may never really understand what you have taken from me. And left to my own, I would never be able to even speak to you. But I know a person who has seen every bad thing that you have ever done and yet still loves you. In fact, knowing what you’ve done to my wife, he even chose to die for you. If He can forgive you, then I can as well.

I want you to know that you have my forgiveness for what you have done. God will take care of me and meet my needs. I can only hope that you will seek and find the forgiveness for what you’ve done through my Saviour, Jesus Christ, because that forgiveness is there waiting for you. I urge you to give your life to Him and to trust Him the rest of your days.

No one in the Courtroom could speak. I was crying, the audience was crying, and even the crusty old judge was wiping tears from his eyes. I could only whisper that we had nothing else to say before sentencing.

I guess the moral of what I am trying to say is that love and forgiveness are much more powerful forces than hate and vengeance. I do not know what the young man ultimately chose to do, but I still carry the impact of what the victim’s husband said in the Courtroom to this day.

Blawgerman.

A Mind is a Terrible Thing to Waste......(Brains Suck)

2005-03-10T08:32:00.000-05:00

“Mister, do y’all have Porks Brains in Milk Gravy in a can?” said the cute redheaded, freckled boy.

Being the manager of my wife’s father’s grocery store in Nashville, Tennessee, I was the go-to guy for the tough questions. I could see some cashiers snickering as they were the ones that forwarded the little guy to me.

“Hmmmm, Pork Brains in Milk Gravy in a can?” I said, trying to look all-knowing while thinking that pork brains in milk gravy may actually be the grossest thing I had ever heard of. “Well, if we have it, it would be by the chili,” I said, lying through my teeth. I had never heard of this product before and since I ordered for the whole store, I figured it couldn’t exist.

I got to the chili aisle with my redheaded young man eager with anticipation of finding this special treat. What I found made my blood run cold. Armour, in a blue can, the same folks who bring us Potted Meat Food Product, sure enough make Pork Brains in Milk Gravy in a can! The marketing guys at Armour even thought of putting a picture of the yummy stuff on the can to hep marketing! The little guy grabbed two cans and started to leave. I directed him to the snickering checkout clerks, hoping that they would blow chunks once they saw the can.

As soon as my stomach settled, I went to look at the abomination in a can. Wow! Only 1170% of the daily recommended intake of cholesterol! Only 3% carb....an Atkins lover’s dream. What made my day was the recipe on the side of the can for “Scrambled Eggs and Brains!” The first step? “Drain brains.” Oh yes, stir to prevent sticking! Enjoy!

Blawgerman

mmmm....mmmm....good! (Ignorance is Bliss)

2005-03-07T20:14:00.000-05:00

Mmmm.....mmmm.....good.

Due to popular demand, my examination of potted meat food products and other nasty junk has continued. But before you read, please know that the surgeon general has determined that reading this blog might be hazardous to your health!

My rambling diatribe on potted meat food products has lead some to inquire as to the ingredients of said product. I must say that I was intrigued as to the ingredients as well. I feel a need to share what I’ve learned.

First, Armour potted meat food product proudly proclaims itself to be “America’s Number 1 Choice!” That’s because Libby and Hormel also make a product entitled “potted meat food product!” Imagine the pride at Armour, being the number one "potted meat food product" producer and all.....It brings tears to my eyes. Anyway.....

It appears that the ingredients to potted meat food product have changed three times (in marketing parlance, they are “new and improved”) over the past few years. I’ll call them Version 1, Version 2, and Version 3.

Version 1:

Beef tripe, beef hearts, chicken, partially defatted cooked pork fatty tissue, water, salt, mustard, vinegar, dried garlic, sodium erythorbate, natural flavoring, sodium nitrite

Version 2:

Chicken, Beef Tripe, Partially Defatted Cooked Pork Fatty Tissue, Beef Hearts, Partially Defatted Cooked Beef Fatty Tissue, Water, Salt, 2 percent or less: Natural Flavorings, Vinegar, Dextrose, Sodium Erythorbate, Sodium Nitrite

Version 3:

Mechanically Separated Chicken, Beef Tripe, Partially Defatted Cooked Beef Fatty Tissue, Beef Hearts, Water, Partially Defatted Cooked Pork Fatty Tissue, Salt. Less than 2 percent: Mustard, Natural Flavorings, Dried Garlic, Dextrose, Sodium Erythorbate, Sodium Nitrite

Man, if that ain’t enough to warm your heart on a cold Monday! It seems that each version gets a little “beefier,” so to speak. My favorite added ingredient is “mechanically separated chicken.” What does that mean? It even sounds ominous (especially for the chickens).

I especially like the thought of eating partially defatted cooked pork and beef fatty tissue. Now why would you partially defat fatty tissue? How would you “partially defat” fatty tissue? And then cook it? You know, this is the first time in my life that “Beef Tripe” isn’t the most disgusting thing in the ingredients!

Oh yea, mechanically separated chicken is defined as “a paste-like poultry product produced by forcing crushed bone and tissue through a sieve or similar device to separate bone from tissue.” I personally think it’s the mechanically separated chicken that makes the big difference in taste.

Also, you’ll be glad to know that mechanically separated poultry has been used in poultry products since 1969 after the National Academy of Sciences found it safe for use. How comforting. That was back when they used to spray DDT all over people, kids, and plants.

Well, I’ll be back with more on this issue and related issues (including why anyone would eat “Spam Lite”). I can only write so much before my involuntary gag reflex kicks in.

Blawgerman

Science Just Keeps On Advancing!

2005-03-07T08:20:00.000-05:00

“Guys, come quick. I’ve just made a discovery that will revolutionize modern medicine!” yelled the laboratory scientist to the other scientists in the room.

The other scientists heaved a collective sigh and sauntered over to the commotion. It’s not often that the study of laboratory mice yields great scientific achievements.

“Watch this,” said the first scientist, as he pushed a lever. “This will release a small dose of a drug which will stop the heart of one of the mice in the box.”

Sure enough, one of the mice in the box dropped over, apparently dead.

What happened next was truly amazing. Another of the mice, seeing his comrade fall, ran over and checked the mouse’s pulse. Hearing none he turned the mouse over, pounded on his chest, and listened for a pulse. The rescue mouse then ran over and grabbed a miniature cart with shiny metal objects on it.

The mouse ran over and pulled two paddles from the cart, yelled “clear!” put the paddles on the fallen mouse and zapped him. The “dead” mouse promptly jumped up and went on his way.

“What just happened?” exclaimed the dumbfounded scientists who witnessed this miracle.

“Simple,” said the first scientist, “the first example of Mouse to Mouse resuscitation.”

Food?

2005-03-02T10:45:00.000-05:00

What exactly is food? I mean, I know it is what you eat, or at least I think it is. But a recent trip to the grocery store has challenged my heretofore naive notions about food. The label above started me on my precipitous decline.

Potted meat food product. What exactly is this? Does this even start as food? I mean, what exactly is a “food product?” Is a food product one step removed from food? I can think of food by-products, but what is a food product? If it was simply food, they wouldn’t have to call it a “product,” now would they?

For that matter, what is “meat food?” Really. Meat, by definition, is food. But “meat food” must mean something different. “Meat Food Product” means something different than simply “Meat Food.” Now add Potted. Potted....Meat...Food....Product. Why would you have to “pot” the meat food product? (Unless it had a certain gelatinous quality that refused to hold a shape of its own.....yum...)

It would be a joke, except that it really exists. Can you imagine marketing Potted Meat Food Product? Someone somewhere has that job, and seeing as how you can get a can of that junk anywhere, they must be doing a good job. Just think. When they named the product, someone was deep in thought and stated, “why not call it Potted Meat Food Product.” Everyone else agreed that that was the best name available!

As my mind was spinning thinking about gelatinous meat food products, I ran into the dairy aisle. What did I see? Diet Imitation Margarine.

Let’s see. Margarine is imitation butter. Imitation margarine is imitation imitation butter. Not only that, it is diet imitation imitation butter. At what point does what you are doing become non-food? The way I see it, diet imitation imitation butter is thrice removed from real food. At that point, whatever you’re sticking in your mouth does not count as food. By the way, stick your diet imitation margarine out in the woods one Saturday. Come back next week and you will find the entire tub of the stuff untouched and probably even unaffected by the weather. If ants and animals won’t eat it, what does that say about it? I’ll tell you what....it ain’t food.

A little farther down, I picked up some Pasteurized Processed Cheese Food Spread. Ok. When it has to use the word “food” in the title, that must be a sure sign that it’s not! Cheese itself is a food, but what is “cheese food?” I guess that they’re trying to tell us that it is cheese put into some other type of “food.” Yet, they don’t really tell us what this “food” is. Then, they take the Cheese Food and process it some way. Great. Then they pasteurize it. Really great. I guess pasteurizing is supposed to put us at ease. Let’s put it all together: ....Pasteurized....Processed....Cheese....Food...Spread. Oh yea, I forgot that after all of the pasteurizing and processing of the cheese food, that is still not enough. There is still the ability to make it a “spread.”

Man. My head was hurting as I stopped to pick up some Sweet N Low. A “sweetener.” Again, does anyone trust something “sweet” that can sit on the counter for 100 years without a single ant even considering eating it? Nevertheless, we suck the stuff down with coffee every day. We should learn from the insect kingdom on this one!

Maybe I’m thinking too much. Pass the “food” and Ritz Crackers! Let me spread some potted meat food product on some of the crackers, diet imitation margarine on some of the others, and pasteurized processed cheese food spread on the rest. I’ll wash it down with coffee and sweet-n-low.....Just think, somewhere, sometime, a laboratory rat died for me.

Blawgerman

2005-03-02T10:39:00.000-05:00

Food?

My Lips Are Sealed (Surprises Can Suck)

2005-03-01T09:56:00.000-05:00

Three years I toiled as a Frito Lay salesman in the back woods of Vermont and New Hampshire. I drove a rickety Grumman Frito Lay truck up and down the mountains with an eye towards filling every possible rack of every possible store and hole in the wall with Frito Lay products.

We had the products. Cheetos (puffs and fried to a crackly crunch). Fritos (regular, scoops, and barbeque). Doritos (nacho and cool ranch). Tostitos. Ruffles (plain, barbeque, sour cream & onion). Lays (plain, barbeque, sour cream & onion). Munchos. Funyons. Bakenettes. Rold Gold Pretzels (twists, rods, minis). Grandma’s cookies. Beef Summer Sausages.

My job was to make people fat and give them acne.

Anyway, Mondays and Fridays I hit the big stores in the bigger cities. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays were the trying days. I would use those days to travel between little towns 10-15 miles apart to stores that sold 5-10 bags of chips per week. I could make a dizzying $3 per week on one of those stores. Yet, my route was littered with the little mom and pop outposts, and Frito Lay was out like a bloodhound for any salesman who didn’t treat the little stores like they were Wal-Marts.

I was bored. I even memorized the 17.5 multiplication tables up to 50 because the small bags of chips cost the stores $.175 each (they sold for $.35 back then). So, while I was roaming the back woods working on my multiplication tables, I would quite often indulge in one of my favorite Frito Lay products, the Beef Summer Sausage. Man, were they good. I’d hold them like a cigar in my mouth, savoring the big, Frito-Lay flavor. Over my career I must have eaten three or four million. But then came that fateful day.

I don’t know what came over me. Traveling between towns with half a sausage in my mouth, I got the bright idea of looking at the ingredients of my favorite snack. Never before have I yakked with such velocity or ferocity! The first ingredient? BEEF LIPS!!!

Couldn’t they just have said “PARTS?” Immediately my mind raced to poor lipless cows wandering in the fields, wondering how they would utter their next “moo.” Then I thought of the mindless creeps running around the fields with their lip extractors, sneaking up on poor, helpless cows.

Then I thought of the places the lips had been. That thought was enough to produce another projectile vomit. Cows lips didn’t seem that sanitary to me, and the thought of their lips against mine was simply too much.

That day, waves of nausea swept over me. Each time I placed another box of Beef Summer Sausages on the counters, I couldn’t help but feel I was a part of the mindless horde causing the terrible and painful lip extractions of hapless bovines. I wanted to shout, “read the ingredients!” but was overcome with the fear that each store would become a mass of puking customers and I might have to clean it up.

Never again did I even touch a Beef Summer Sausage. But to this day, I feel responsible for my part in the great bovine lip extraction that is going on week after week in this country. Where is PETA when you need them?

Blawgerman.

Slime Trails Suck (Eat Where the Big Guys Eat)

2005-02-28T08:00:00.000-05:00

Listen. I’m a big guy. I like food. If you want to eat well, I have some very simple rules for you to follow.

First. Never eat where skinny people eat. You’ll get carrot sticks, celery, and soy milk, and tofu. Skinny people don’t eat for enjoyment. They eat to stay alive. If you want good food, look for a place where lots of fat guys are eating.

Second. Never eat things that leave slime trails. Just think about it. If something leaves a slime trail, there has to be some type of slime mechanism in its body that you are going to eat. Eating something that leaves a slime trail is similar to hocking up a loogey and swallowing. Although this seems elementary, people line up to eat snails. Go figure.

Third. Never eat anything that has a larger moustache than you. Catfish is out. Which brings us to our next point.

Fourth. Never eat anything that is a bottom-feeder. Bottom-feeders eat bad things, like feces and garbage and dirt. Think about it. If you are what you eat and you eat bottom-feeders......

Fifth. Never eat anything with more than four legs. Insects are totally out. Crabs and lobsters are simply sea-dwelling insects and should not be eaten. Again, although these rules seem obvious, a large percentage of our population will line up to eat creatures that roam the bottom of the sea eating bottom-feeders, worms, fish, and other unsavory things.

Sixth. Never eat anything that acts as a filter. Liver blows. Why would anyone in their right mind eat liver? It is an organ that detoxifies the body.....meaning it keeps junk out of the rest of the body by storing it in the liver. Yum. Gimme some of that! Clams and other mollusks are the great filters of the sea. If it is floating around polluting the ocean, you’re going to eat it in clams. Why not just gnaw on a used oil filter?

Finally, you can forget all of the above rules if you follow the cardinal rule. Eat where and what the big guys eat.

Blawgerman

Are Short People Short-Changed? (Sucks to be Short)

2005-02-25T08:29:00.000-05:00

I thought I got no respect. Here’s the dictionary.com definition of short:

Short ( P ) Pronunciation Key (shôôrt)
adj. short·er, short·est

. Having little length; not long.

. Having little height; not tall.

. Extending or traveling not far or not far enough: a short toss.

. Lasting a brief time: a short holiday.

. Appearing to pass quickly: finished the job in a few short months.

. Not lengthy; succinct: short and to the point.

. Rudely brief; abrupt.

. Easily provoked; irascible.

. Inadequate; insufficient: oil in short supply; were short on experience.

. Lacking in length or amount: a board that is short two inches.

. Lacking in breadth or scope: a short view of the problem.

. Deficient in retentiveness: a short memory.

Man, oh man. Is it any wonder lots of short people have issues? Short. Rudely brief; abrupt. Short. Easily provoked. Short. Inadequate; insufficient. But if the dictionary isn’t bad enough, just look at some of our common usages of the word.

When you don’t get all of your money back or when the deal was no good for you, you got SHORT CHANGED.

When something electrical doesn’t work, it is SHORT CIRCUITED.

When you’re in bad condition, you’re SHORT OF BREATH.

When you don’t have enough money, you’re simply SHORT.

When you don’t have enough staff to do the job, you’re SHORT HANDED.

When you can pay attention, you have a SHORT ATTENTION SPAN.

When you aggravate easily, you’re SHORT TEMPERED.

When you don’t have a great deal of mental ability to foresee the consequences of your actions, you’re SHORT SIGHTED.

When you have to get done quickly, you CUT SHORT what you are doing.

Well, I guess I’ve run SHORT of ideas.

Blawgerman

Nuthin' Hockey League -- NHL Owners Suck

2005-02-23T13:34:00.000-05:00

OK. I've written on this three times now. I can't help it. I grew up in Detroit....Hockeytown. I grew up listening to Don Cherry on Hockey Night In Canada every Wednesday evening on the Canadian Broadcasting System (CBC). He was outrageous back in the early 70s!

I'm one of those hockey nuts (a Wing Nut, you might say) who actually purchases the National Hockey League package from Dish Network. I'm one of the few who pay pretty good money to watch the games as I'm lining the coffers of the league. So I'm overboard. That's why I've written three blogs on this issue.

I sit here dressed in black, mourning the loss of the hockey season and nurturing my hatred towards the owners of the NHL teams. What Schmoes! They cancel the season and three days later tell the Players' Union that there can still be a deal to revive the season and mention that their salary cap offer can move up to $45 million from their "final offer" $42.5 million. When the players arrive, they find the owners sticking to the $42.5 million salary cap and renegotiating an even better deal for themselves.

Make no mistake, the owners did not want a season this year. They are out to break the back of the Players' Union. Unfortunately, in their unholy quest, they have managed to break the game as well.

I used to be a Tiger's nut. I can tell you all of the starters for the 1968 Tigers (I was 8 then). Every year I followed them without regard to talent, and, believe me, there were many lean years that I would watch every minute of a 9-inning game when the Tigers would get beaten like a rented mule. Since the 1994 strike that cancelled the World Series, I have not watched a single game for 9 innings on television. I can't name 5 Tigers on this year's squad.

In short, the baseball strike caused my passion for the game to expire. I'm afraid that hockey will run the same course. Certainly, the millionaires who run the game and play the game have lost sight of the people that cause the game to work....the fans. Enough said.

Blawgerman

You Know You're a Lawyer When (Sucks to Be A Lawyer)

2005-02-21T18:58:00.000-05:00

You know you're a lawyer when:

You check all packages for ticking sounds....even the ones from your mother.

Snakes and sharks won't bite you out of professional courtesy.

You're the only one passing out cards at a plane crash.

You bring a pre-nuptual agreement with you on your first date "just in case."

When the clerk at Taco Bell asks what you would like, you respond, "I'm asking the questions here!"

You get upset that your client is a better liar than you.

Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe is your favorite law firm.

You're the only one rooting for Scrooge in A Christmas Carol.

Dale Carnagie has a troubleshooting group just for you.

You only sue your enemies and you have no friends.

Even your Support Group refuses to support you.

Blawgerman

NHL = No Hockey League

2005-02-17T07:54:00.000-05:00

If it wasn't apparent who was to blame for the strike, the owners made it very clear yesterday. After the players agreed to a salary cap and the parties were $6,000,000 apart, the owners called the season off.

Understand this, the players had caved in to accept the salary cap. The players had already agreed to a 24% rollback on salaries. Salaries, mind you, that the owners have a contractual agreement to pay. Thus, the players caved in on salaries and caved in on the issue of a salary cap.

Even still, the owners called the season off. They never had any intention of "bargaining." Now, they might have dealt a fatal blow to hockey in some American cities. They have shown complete disregard for the integrity of the game (what it has left, that is), and they have driven a huge wedge between players and owners.

What a sad day. I still have not watched a full baseball game since the 1994 strike that cancelled the World Series. Maybe I'll organize a Red Wings sweatshirt burning party.....

Blawgerman

Destroy, Destroy, Destroy.....(NHL Hockey Sucks)

2005-02-15T16:00:00.000-05:00

Hockey sucks.

The owners suck.

The players suck.

Suck. Suck. Suck.

They are hiring PR firms to gauge how their “positions” are being received by fans. They think that if they win the fans, they will win the war. How stupid is that? Fans are the big losers. No hockey. No playoffs. No Stanley Cup. Why? The equivalent of a game of chicken between two high school kids with fast cars.

Neither side will give in. Both sides believe that maintaining their bargaining position is more important than the game itself. Both sides are willing to have the game tank rather than to give in. At this point, they would deserve a scenario where the NHL goes belly-up and floats to the top of the tank.

NEWS FLASH! The NHL doesn’t get any coverage on ESPN and it rarely merits mention in the ESPN News Channel. If the sports networks hardly bother to report the happenings, who cares in the larger society?

WHA— World Hockey Association. Let’s start a new league. It was done before. New cities, different stadiums. Players working for about what they are making in some of the European nations. Let the Red Wings and all the rest dissolve. I mean, we’d be doing them a favor, wouldn’t we? The owners have been claiming that they are losing tons of money. By starting a new league, we would save them all of those losses! Plus, the players would have a new-found appreciation for the game.

Wait. It’s not Hockey that sucks. It’s NHL Hockey.

Blawgerman

What's That Sucking Sound?.....Globalization Sucks

2005-02-14T14:24:00.000-05:00

What is that giant sucking sound? That is the sound of thousands of jobs leaving the country. Country is a big word. Let’s make it a little more real. That is the sound of jobs leaving Michigan.

Globalization. Big word. What does it mean? Big US companies move their manufacturing, production, and high-tech jobs to countries where they can pay people very little money. Bad for us, great for them. Ask Korea.

Korea was one of the first beneficiaries of the rush to globalization. When their workforce became more skilled, they demanded more money. Jobs and factories then went elsewhere. There is no end to the quest to make just a little more money. Why pay $30 per day when you can pay $6 per day in labor?

In the industrial revolution, large employers worked their people to death, exposing them to workplace dangers and shortening their lives. In fact, for a while Nike was on the outs because of the labor they were using in Third World countries. Now they should be considered a trendsetter in globalization.

In fact, why do we care that cheap labor in China is being exploited and that people are working in slave-like conditions? I mean, we can buy the product at Wal-mart for $.87 less because of their efforts. If China doesn't care about its people, why should we?

Why keep a job in American when you have to pay a decent wage? Send it overseas to a country that is so in need of economic development that you can build a factory without worrying too much about safety and where you certainly don’t have the oversight you would have in America?

We are told that globalization will help us in the form of lower prices. I’m waiting.

What globalization really does is reduce us to the lowest common denominator. Jobs will move back to the US when US workers are making as little as the skilled workers in different third-world countries. Eventually we will get the jobs back, but at a fraction of what they were paying before.

Why should we make it so easy for companies to surf the world looking for cheap labor? Is it that important that we “globalize?” At what cost is the globalization? If these are companies that are “American,” are they American in name only? "Made in America" is a thing of the past. "Made for America" is more like it.

Well, maybe I’m overreacting. There is always McDonalds. Would you like fries with that order?

Blawgerman

"ATE" is GREAT! .....Words....Words....Words

2005-02-14T08:10:00.000-05:00

My goal is to PONTIFICATE. At times it is to BLOVIATE. But now, as I begin to CONTEMPLATE, my thoughts begin to CONSTIPATE.

In my attempts to EXTRICATE myself from points OBLIVIATE, I can’t help but to ELUCIDATE. It must be that in my vain attempts to INGRATIATE myself to my audience, who may be a bit SOPHISTICATE , only serves to ALIENATE those with whom I wish to ASSOCIATE.

So, my fellow LITERATE, my paltry attempts to EDUCATE have fallen upon the INARTICULATE, who obviously do not relish my efforts as their PROTECTORATE. They cast aspersions while they JUBILATE the ending of my DISCONSOLATE attempt to ARTICULATE that which I find CONATE to that which is the ESTATE of man.

Blawgerman

I Can't Help It...Going In Circles Excites Me! (You Know You're a Nascar Fan When....)

2005-02-10T10:37:00.000-05:00

You know you're a Nascar fan when:

Your favorite driver's number and your IQ are eerily similar.

You love to watch the second hand go around and around and around.....

You consider a "balanced diet" to be the ability to hold three beers, nachos, and two chili dogs on your way back to the grandstand.

You think Beer is one of the four major food groups.

You make your wife get up with you every morning so she can go to the garage and yell, "Gentlemen, start your engines!" before you go to work.

You think the word "infield" has nothing to do with baseball.

You think brakes are for sissies.

You try to "draft" whenever you get on the freeway.

Blawgerman

Around and Around and Around and Around......(Nascar Sucks)

2005-02-04T08:45:00.000-05:00

Does anyone know that the Nascar season opens next week? I only found out after someone in my office expressed excitement about the upcoming "season." It wasn't on my calendar. I've even been told that Nascar is a sport. You gotta help me out here.

A sport usually involves some type of physical contest between players. Nothing about Nascar would even suggest that it is a sport. Do the drivers "pump themselves up" to get in shape to drive (I mean, pump anything other than gas?). Man, what a sport. 60 year olds who can still reach the gas and brake pedal can be "professional atheletes." I guess I still have time to reach the pros in something. (by the way, what is the "workout regimen" for a Nascar driver?) Well, at least we don't hear about Nascar drivers using steriods to get an edge.

Then there is the frenzied excitement about attending and watching these events. Thousands and tens of thousands of people screaming in delight as....well, let's see.....as a bunch of cars go really fast in a circle (I'm told that they also go around in oval tracks and some tracks even have lots of turns!). They go around a track over and over for say.....350 or 400 or 500 miles. Whew! Be still my beating heart! I can't imagine the excitement of a Nascar fan as his favorite driver flies by at 180 mph for the sixty fifth time that day. I mean, you can almost see the driver in the car as it tools by. If the fan is serious, he will have a stopwatch and try to time each lap. Man, it doesn't get any better than that!

As I write this and realize the profound impact the sport is having on our society, I finally realize what makes Nascar so exciting. Beer. Lots of beer. It is the only explanation for why thousands of people cram themselves around a track to catch a fleeting glimpse of a vehicle as it drives around the track over and over and over and over.

Blawgerman

How Do I Hate Me? Let Me Count the Ways (Sucks to Be Me)

2005-02-03T16:30:00.000-05:00

It has come to my attention that some of my writing may be offensive to others. That doesn’t really surprise me because I am often offensive to others. If you find some of the stuff that I write interesting, it is precisely because I am different and view things differently than most. However, there are some things that you guys should know because......it sucks to be me.

I am fat. When I get in my Suburban I violate the weight restrictions on most of the roads around my house. The only good thing about being fat is that someday, when famine comes, I will be dancing on all the skinny peoples’ graves.

I am a hillbilly (on my Mom’s side). My cousin drove three states to my grandmother’s funeral only to discover his teeth were still in a mason jar in Kentucky. All of my cousins had dentures by high school (no lie). My mother’s name was Donna Lou and my grandmother was Gussie May. So when I say it sucks to be a hillbilly....I know.

I am a lawyer. I make money on other people’s problems. I get 33% of the recovery on people’s injuries. I get them divorced. I get them out of trouble with the law. I hear every good and bad lawyer joke on the planet.

I am a salesman. I sell real estate as a broker. I used to sell copiers and fax machines. I used to be a Frito Lay route salesman.

I am a Preacher. I preach in church. I was a student minister at an Ivy League college.

I am Cuban. My dad speaks like Ricky Ricardo on I Love Lucy. My aunt was a “Bruja” or witch. She made money (a lot) casting spells on other poor, superstitious Cubans and Hispanic Americans.

To put things all together, I am a fat-hillbilly-Cuban-Preacher-Salesman-Lawyer. Is it any wonder that I offend people? It’s not that I really try....it just comes naturally. I hope that you take my writing as it is intended. It is supposed to make you sit back and take a look at things from a different perspective. If it makes you think and sometimes laugh, I will consider my writing a success.

Blawgerman

I Just Don't Love Her Anymore.......Divorce Sucks

2005-02-02T08:50:00.000-05:00

Almost 50% of marriages end in divorce in our country. I get to deal with a great many of them on a day to day basis in my practice. People come in and are willing to lay down serious jack just to be rid of their current spouse. When I suggest that they pick up the money and try counseling, over 90% of the potential clients say that they are not interested. By the time they have the retainer and come to my office, they are committed to going through with the divorce.

People come to me and say various things as the reason that they are ending their marriage. Many times people will say, “I just don’t love her anymore. We’ve grown apart.” What that usually means is that “I have been having sex with someone at work and it’s way more exciting than marriage ever was.” It is very rare that a person will leave the security of a relationship, even a bad one, if there is not something better out there for them.

It’s also amazing how little some spouses see when they are in the midst of the turmoil. I have had guys come to me and tell me that their spouse has lost thirty pounds, has bought new clothes and lingerie, and is staying out late with her girlfriends. I tell that person to wake up and smell the coffee and to admit that their spouse is having an affair. Most times they get mad at me for suggesting such a heinous thing. It usually doesn’t take long to find out I was right.

People also come to me and say that they want a “good” divorce. They believe that it’s better for the kids not to be subject to the constant fighting and turmoil of their relationship and that the kids will “understand” that Mommy and Daddy need to be happy. I don’t know where they get the idea of a “good” divorce, because I have yet to see one. Both sides are worse off financially than during the marriage. The lack of finances of their parents and the cost of the divorce cost the children in a very practical way. More importantly, every kid believes that the breakup is his or her fault. If you don’t believe me, ask a teacher. They see first hand the impact of divorce on children. People that are seeking a “good” divorce are just kidding themselves and trying to justify their own selfish actions.

Then there are those parents who knowingly use the children as weapons and pawns in their war against their spouse. There is no excuse for involving the children in your hatred of your spouse or ex-spouse. The children will feel used and manipulated and are put in the middle of a battle that they didn’t want and can’t end. I’ve even had parents ask me if I could put their child on the stand to testify against their spouses! It is hard for me to believe that they don’t know what impact they are having on the children.

Divorce is rampant in our society. It’s devastating impact on children will be felt for generations and generations. If the strength of a country lies in the strength of its families, America is in a world of hurt. It is difficult to tell children that they have to aspire to an ideal that their parents failed to achieve. It is difficult to find role models of marriage that children can look up to. What will our society look like in two to three generations? Will marriage even survive? What will the emotional cost of all of the divorce and turmoil really be? Unfortunately, we will find out.

Blawgerman

Prebuttal? Politicians Suck!

2005-02-01T09:50:00.000-05:00

Leave it to politicians to play the spin game to its ultimate end. Democrats, worried that no one will listen to their rebuttal opportunity after President Bush addresses the nation, have decided to conduct a "PREBUTTAL" conference. This, of course, is a rebuttal which is conducted prior to actually hearing what the other side has to say. The Spin Cycle never stops!

Really...are politics and politicians such simpletons that each side knows exactly what the other is going to say before it's said? So much so that they no longer have to wait for the speech to give the rebuttal? How sad.

When will we have the pre-prebuttal? Or the pre-pre-prebuttal. The race to make the first impact on the media is just getting stupid. Why have speeches or addresses at all? Simply put on a string of prebuttals by both parties and hash out all the issues before they even come up!

We could have a pre-prebuttal...a prebuttal...a post-prebuttal...a pre-post-prebuttal...etc., etc. Of course, it is more than symbolic that the word "BUTT" is so prominent in the word "prebuttal."

Unfortunately, there may be politicians reading this and thinking, "What a great idea! Imagine...to work out all of the issues even before they come up!"

Fortunately, the American public cared as little for the Prebuttal as they did the rebuttal. Nevertheless, the "prebuttal" is something that only a politician can love.

Blawgerman

Is Your Glass Half-Empty or Half-Full?

2005-01-31T10:10:00.000-05:00

People are so different. You can take a glass and fill it half way. Some people will describe the glass as half-empty while others will describe it as half-full. Why do some people see the negative in a situation while others see the positive?

I think a lot has to do with our perspective. Let’s take 32 degrees. The first time in the fall that the temperature drops to 32 degrees, everyone is complaining about the bitter cold. However, after a string of sub-zero days in the winter, 32 degrees feels like a heat wave. What has changed? 32 degrees is 32 degrees. The only thing to have changed is our perspective.

Look at 6:00 am. Every day people get up for work at 6:00 am and feel tired and bleary going into the day. Take that same person on November 15th (Deer hunting season), and he (or she) is up at 5:00 and sitting wide awake in the freezing cold (and sometimes rain) by 6:00 am. The time is the same, the perspective is what has changed.

Do you see your life as a never-ending series of bad things happening to you day after day? Do you see it as something careening out of control? Do you feel like you are always standing on the edge of a disaster which is right around the corner?

Or do you see you life as ordered and complete. Do you believe that there are good things out there that are going to happen to you sooner or later? Do you feel that even though some bad things are in your life, the weight of the good outweighs the bad?

I believe that the issue is perspective. If you believe that there is a Creator that is alive and active in this world, you will believe that all things can work together for good. You have a belief that there is a benevolent Being who made the Earth and its inhabitants for a purpose. Most importantly, you believe that there is someone looking out for your interests that has a bit of clout in this world.

If you do not believe in a Creator, you are left with a pretty glum sense of the things around you. You are the product of the blind process of evolution. Worse yet, there is no purpose in life other than to live and then to die. Such a hopeless view of the world can only lead you to despair.

Looking at the glass, you have to make a choice. Will you decide to call the glass half-empty or half-full? It is a decision. Your “predisposition” to emptiness or fullness is ultimately based upon your larger view of life. Choose well.

A Hare's Breath (Even Escapes Can Suck)

2005-01-28T11:16:00.000-05:00

This was sent to me by someone called the "Rabbitman." I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

An Old English Tale: The Historic Origins of Phrases.

Once upon a time there was a frantic chase in which a fox was chasing a rabbit. Under fences, over hills, around trees, and through the brush, the frantic rabbit ran for his life from the snapping jaws of the determined fox. As the race persisted, the fox continued to gain ground.

The rabbit's instinct told him that his future was seriously in doubt when, alas! he saw a farmer's wife standing in a tub in the yard taking a bath. At breakneck speed, with utter exhaustion the rabbit ran for the the woman in a desperate hope that he could be saved from the famished fox.

As he came near the tub, the woman happened to bend over to soap her hands exposing her rather large behind, with an opening in it! Alas again! There was a ray of hope!! In a desperate lunge the rabbit sprang for the opening just escaping the snapping jaws of the fox.

This event had a profound impact on the farmer's wife, as she stood up with her mouth wide open and bewildered eyes, seemingly staring into nothing. Still covered with soap and maintaining facial demeaner, she waddled back to the farmhouse where her husband sat drinking his morning cup of moonshine. Maintaining the wide-eyed stare, she began to mumble incoherently, in a futule attempt to explain her extraordinary situation. Her husband interupted her abruptly and shouted, ....."what's the matta with you woman, you got a hare up your ass?"

Thus began a time honored expression we all have come to know and love so well.

Rabbitman

Ass the World Turns (2) (Words...Words...Words)

2005-01-28T07:57:00.000-05:00

You wake up and realize that you’ve forgotten your anniversary. Already your Ass is in a Sling. You know that you will have to do some serious Ass Kissing if your wife finds out you’ve forgotten. The last thing you want is your Ass handed to you on a Platter on your Anniversary.

Getting out of bed, you Get your Ass in Gear and head to the mall. You see your friend working at a swank shop and you stop by for help. You tell him that you’re up to your Ass in Alligators and you tell him why. He simply Laughs his Ass Off. That gets you mad and you threaten to Kick his Ass unless he helps.

That’s the ticket. He tells you to “get your Ass Outta Here” and head straight to the chocolate shop because chocolate and flowers are your only hope. You get to the chocolate shop and unload your problems to the salesperson. She suggests you buy the most expensive chocolate assortment in the store, and you balk. The salesperson tells you to stop being a Tight Ass. That works. You buy a Kick Ass chocolate assortment and head back home.

On the way back, you stop to buy flowers and a card. For once, you believe that your Head is not Up Your Ass and that you have things handled. However, when you get home, you realize that something is way wrong because your wife is acting like she has a Corn Cob Up Her Ass. You look at the calendar and realize what a Dumb Ass you are. Yesterday was your Anniversary, your Ass is Grass, and your wife’s runnin’ the mower.

Ass the World Turns (Words...Words...Words)

2005-01-27T10:10:00.000-05:00

WARNING – the terms in this Blog may be offensive to some.

WARNING – the terms in this Blog may also describe the writer and/or the reader.

What’s in an Ass? Do we really want to know? Despite the fact that some of our Asses are quite ugly and quite disgusting (or maybe because they are), our society seems to have some fun with ways to use the word to describe people and things.

1. Ass – In the Biblical sense, you are a donkey. You are the rear end of a person or animal. This is used to conjure up images of you being quite similar or indistinguishable from a stinky, smelly, ugly region of the body of a person or animal.

2. Asshole – More specific. You are the hole in the rear end of a person or animal.

3. Pain in the Ass – You cause other people’s rear ends to have pain, apparently through your actions or speech. How the pain accumulates in the Ass is a medical unknown, unless you are being a pain in the Ass by kicking someone there.

4. Something shoved up your Ass – Quite descriptive. Used for someone who seems uncomfortable or downright ornery. “Something” is a bit vague though, leaving a lot to the imagination.

5. A corn cob up your Ass – Ah, yes. This is very specific. A corn cob is used to show exactly why the person is uncomfortable or ornery. The cob may either have corn kernels still on it or not. It is unclear whether the cob was cooked. One wonders where the idea came from in the first place.

6. Your Ass in your hand – Used to describe the state of utter humiliation and defeat. Very appropriate phrase to describe the state of most husbands in the world.

7. Your Ass handed to you – Interesting. How one’s Ass can get handed is to him is a quite intriguing. The idea is that you are so wrong or defeated that your Ass has fallen off in shame and the victor has picked it up for you and given it back (it may be difficult to bend down to pick up your Ass if your Ass is actually gone).

8. Work your Ass off – Although it sounds like a new exercise video, this phrase is used to describe the state of working so hard that your Ass actually drops off of your back. Though used quite often, it has never actually been verified. It is also a phrase which typically means, “I worked a little harder than yesterday, but I want you to think I was killing myself out there.”

9. Smart Ass – Giving the Ass credit for somehow affecting one’s intellectual abilities is mystifying. Nonetheless, a person who has a knack for language or action that irritates others, is said to have an Ass that is “smart.”

10. Dumb Ass – This is more like it. A Dumb Ass is the typical state of Asses. They are not smart by nature. This phrase, however, is meant to convey that the person in question has an Ass even dumber than the typical Ass.

11. Kiss Ass – Yuck.

12. Ass Kisser – Yuck. Yuck. – We all know them. Some of us might even be one. In the typical usage, one can Kiss Ass without actually being a bona fide Ass Kisser. Although this is a finer distinction, it is important.

13. Foot up your Ass – A medical anomaly. It must be speaking of someone else’s foot. This refers to mistakes that you make which grant others the right to kick you in a very specific area, causing you discomfort and causing you to become ornery. It is better to be the foot than the Ass in this phrase.

Blawgerman

Alternate Meanings (Words Suck)

2005-01-27T08:00:00.000-05:00

There are words, and there are words. This blog is dedicated to what some words should mean.

Stopwatch – What a college kid does when he sees a pretty girl.

Antipasto – Dr. Atkins.

Antisocial – a party for your father’s sister.

Swish – a drunk from Switzerland.

Astronomical -- a device used to measure the width of a woman's derriere.

Briefly -- How a man appears without pants.

Chat Room -- A Barbershop (from the Old English usage).

Bipolar -- The newest advertising jingle from the North Pole.

Tricycle -- A three-flavored popsicle.

Rustoleum – Old, oxidized aluminum flooring.

Ranch Dressing -- What you do before going line-dancing.

Carnal -- A dirty knowledge of cars.

Baghdad -- A homeless father.

Carpet – A dog that likes to travel in your automobile.

Suckling – a child of parents who suck.

Blawgerman

Ugly...Ugly...Ugly...(It Sucks to Be Ugly)

2005-01-25T10:35:00.000-05:00

You Know Your Kid’s Ugly When:

Tying two stakes and a pork chop around your kid’s neck isn’t enough to induce your German Shepard to play with him.

An Italian Organ Grinder whose monkey just got run over by a car offers to take your kid “off your hands.”

You’re no longer invited to the “Ugly Baby Contest” just so that other people can have a chance.

The doctor can’t tell which end of the kid he should use to insert the rectal thermometer.

Clearasil cancels your kid’s contract for before and after pictures because their experts have concluded that his acne is terminal.

People keep asking you what type of pet you have in the baby carriage.

He lands the lead part in the school play Frankenstein because they won’t have to use a lot of make-up.

Given the chance to save your kid, Lassie would take her time running into town for help.

The school photographer takes one look at your kid and resigns.

When you brought the kid home from the hospital, your family and friends kept telling you over and over that “Oh well, beauty is only skin deep.”

You Know You’re Ugly When:

Your grandfather sends you out to the fields to scare crows.

Your only successes in dating come from the Medvale School of the Blind.

Your dog only backs up to you when you call him.

Your mother will only kiss you goodnight after you've put the bag on your head.

Your parents install shatterproof mirrors throughout the house.

People keep dropping quarters and dollars into your coffee cup when you sit on park benches.

Nuthin' (Nothing Sucks)

2005-01-24T09:34:00.000-05:00

What do you write when nothing comes to mind? Why is it that when you sit down to write, every thought that you've had in the past two days flees from your brain? Why is it that I can't drum up even the slightest bit of passion in writing, so I'm reduced to nothing.

Is nothing bad? Right now Nothing is all I have. I have searched for those things that inflame my passions, good or bad, and have not found them. It may be the snow. There's nothing like 14 inches of fresh, white snow to make someone just feel content.

Is the real reason that I am writing this blog because I am not content usually? I must admit that that is probably true. I see things that are not right and want to write about them. I want to point out the stupid, quirky, harmful and unusual things that I see and feel around me. I guess I get more of the stupid and quirky because I am a lawyer. I get to see and feel people's pain as they come to me with their lives in shambles and ask me to help.

However, today I can't quite come up with enough passion or energy to think about things that aren't right. In fact, today I feel pretty content and happy just to have sat around the house in front of the woodstove (which felt pretty good after snowblowing the drive) and just experienced a nice day. The real question is whether it is ok to feel good about a day when there is always an injustice in the world to fight (or at least poke fun at).

Well, there may be something in that "one day of rest" thing found in the Bible. It may be that the experience of contentment and joy is the power that propels us to do our best to make contentment and joy possible for ourselves and others. I guess I believe that the power of good in the world can overcome the evil that we see sround us every day....no matter how powerful the evil seems.

Blawgerman

Which Hummer Should I Take to Work Today? (Pro Football Salaries Suck)

2005-01-20T08:00:00.000-05:00

Michael Vick just signed an eight year extension with the Atlanta Falcons which will pay him approximately $120,000,000 over the next ten years. $37,000,000 of that amount is guaranteed money no mater if Mr. Vick plays or doesn’t pay.

$120,000,000! How is it that Mr. Vick has positioned himself to make more money that most people could make in ten lifetimes? In fact, a person making $100,000 per year would have to work for 1200 years to make the same money. So, a person earning $100,000 per year would have had to start working in 805 AD and would, in 2005, finally have made what Mr. Vick will make in the next ten years. If a person earned $30,000 per year, he or she would have had to start working 4000 years ago! Their first job could have been as a pyramid contractor with the Pharaohs of Egypt back in 2000 BC!

Let me put it in another perspective. Let’s assume that Mr. Vick will make $12,000,000 per year. He played 15 regular season games in 2004. That comes to $800,000 per game. Assuming he plays about half the game (30 minutes) because he only plays offense, he is paid $1,600,000 per hour, which comes to $26,667 per minute. That comes to $444.44 per second!

We can look at it another way. In 2004 Mr. Vick made $37,383 (321) per pass attempt; $66,292 per completion (181); $857,142 per touchdown thrown (14); $4,000,000 per touchdown run (3); $5188 per yard thrown for completion (2313); and $13,303 per yard rushed (902).

What’s my point? There is something wrong when I have to work well over 1200 years to make as much as Michael Vick will in the next 10 years. He’s playing a game. He works maybe eight months per year. What causes us as a society to value Michael Vick so highly? And it’s not just Michael Vick. Donovan McNabb, Daunte Culpepper, Drew Bledsoe, and Brett Farve are making the same kind of jack.

What’s my point? The United States has pledged $350,000,000 to help the countries devastated by the recent Tsunami, countries that have lost tens and hundreds of thousands of people and have been utterly ravaged by the tidal wave. The Atlanta Falcons have pledged $120,000,000 to have Michael Vick run around a field and throw a football. In fact, The amount of money pledged to Michael Vick ($120,000,000 over 10 years), Donovan McNabb ($115,000,000 over 12 years), Daunte Culpepper ($102,000,000 over 10 years, and Brett Farve ($100,000,000 over 10 years)exceeds the amount of money the US Government has pledged for aid to Tsunami victims and their countries! What have we created with sports in our society?

Blawgerman

Hang on to Your Teeth (It Sucks to Be a Hillbilly)

2005-01-19T08:10:00.000-05:00

You know you're a Hillbilly when:

Your six-year old is excited about losing his baby teeth so he can "look like Daddy."

You list the jailhouse address as your "summer home."

You've been in fourth grade longer than your teacher.

You've had to move the spittoon so that Grandma could have a straight shot while cooking dinner.

A loaded shotgun at the dinner table is not even exciting.

You think Lard and Gravy are two of the four major food groups.

Your family has its own wing in the County Jail.

Your family "portraits" can be found at the post office.

You think that trigonometry has something to do with shooting guns.

Other people actually thank you when you take your occasional bath.

You drive across two states to get to your grandmother's funeral and discover that you left your teeth in a mason jar in Kentucky (true story).

Fried Chicken, Grits, Chewin' Tobacco, and RC Cola make up your "Food Pyramid."

You think that "Plato" is something that Mexicans eat on.

You can proudly introduce someone as your "half-brother, cousin, and uncle, all-in-one." (By the way, his son will be your nephew, second-cousin, and grand-uncle)

Your "first cousin twice-removed" means that he is a repeat offender.

Your front porch collapses and it kills more than five dogs.

Your upper and lower teeth never meet in the same bite.

It Sucks to Be American (We Just Can't Do Enough)

2005-01-18T09:37:00.000-05:00

Saddam Hussein, a notorious murderer and supporter of terror at home and abroad, is laid low by the United States. Immediately, we are turned from "liberators" to "occupiers." It took maybe 20 minutes. It wasn't as if the Iraqi people could do anything to protect or defend themselves. We stay and protect the country and are told that we are only there for the oil.

Then, critics begin to say that there will never be free elections in Iraq and that the US is going to use Irag as a permanent base of operations in the Middle East. Europeans, led by our friends the French (affectionately called "surrender monkeys" by pundit Ann Coulter), denounce our actions and call for free elections. They say that Iraq is not being governed by Iraqis. We set up an "interim" government made up entirely of Iraqis and the critics then say that they are just a "puppet" of the United States.

When we and the new interim government announce that there are going to be free elections in January, the critics then pop up and decry the fact that there is not enough time for free and fair elections that soon and the elections should be delayed! Oh, and other critics are saying that the country is not safe enough to hold elections because we do not have enough ground forces to complete the task. When we ask for more ground troops, people at home complain about the massive cost associated with the war. It just never ends.

Prior to the war, we tried to get other countries to support our actions based upon the Iraqi government's absolute refusal to abide by UN mandates. They will not support us. But then who's crying when the US says that no contracts for the rebuilding of Iraq will be given to companies who are located in countries that did not participate in the overthrow of Saddam? Our friends who wanted no part of the war, that's who.

Prisoners of war are improperly treated and humiliated by US prison guards. While reprehensible, the prisoners were not killed and certainly not beheaded. When numerous Iraqi Jihadist groups show gruesome beheadings live on the internet, there is no public outcry. The focus stays on the "abuse" of the Iraqi prisoners. Their "abuse" pales in comparason to the public beheadings of innocent civilians done by factions in Iraq, but most of the press chooses to dwell instead on the US abusers, not on the religious environment in the Middle East which fosters the idea that it is honorable to behead innocent civilians.

It's not just Iraq. When the Tsunami hit, critics complained that the White House did not respond quickly enough with promises of aid. When the White House pledged $35,000,000 in aid, that pledge was quickly derided as being far too paltry for the magnitude of the devastation. The US eventually pledged over $350,000,000 to the cause and US private citizens and companies have pledged even more than the government. While the countries affected have been very grateful for the help, our critics at home seem to always find the angle that allows them to complain.

It's not the US that sucks.

Blawgerman

Evolution Sucks (Although my relatives look like missing links, they're just hillbillies)

2005-01-17T08:30:00.000-05:00

Was Darwin right? Is Evolution of the Species what is really going on? I am the product of countless eons of clawing and scrambling up the evolutionary ladder just to reach the top of the food chain? If I am that product, what about you?

Survival of the fittest. If I am bigger and stronger than you, why shouldn't I just kill and eat you? If your wife is prettier than mine (unlikely), why shouldn't I kill you and take her. I'd only be doing it for the betterment of the species. I wouldn't even dislike you while I was killing you. My only thought would be "this is to insure our (Mankind's) survival!"

What a world! Everybody and everything competing for top billing with the whole Earth as the stage. Pity the poor animals and people just a bit lower in the food chain! Wait....stop....Pity is not a part of Darwin. The proper term would be to "Use the lesser adapted people and animals for the betterment of yourself and, in so doing, the betterment of the gene pool."

True Altruism does not and cannot fit into Darwin's world. Darwin's theory dictates that humans will do anything to compete for the top spot, even if that means nations build up stockpiles of nuclear and biological weapons. Of course, if we ever use those weapons and wipe man off the face of the planet, Darwin will shake his head knowingly and lament that we were just not meant to be kings of the earth.

We teach our children the Theory of Evolution and teach them that it is "the way of things" when lions attack and kill lesser animals. We teach them that those animals who are bigger and stronger survive and make the world better. Then we yell at our kids when they take their friend's ice cream from them at lunch! Why are we yelling? Shouldn't our Darwinian instincts tell us to praise our child for the ice cream "redistribution" and chide our child for not taking the weaker kid's lunch money?

If this world is truly a Darwinian place, it might explain why so many people suck.

Blawgerman