Follow Your Nose....It Always Knows.....

Man, Oh, Man. Nose surgery. Septoplasty. Sure, it’ll be just fine once you fix that nasty, deviated septum.

Joe Trusting. That’s me. I march right into the hospital on my own free will and plop down on the bed expecting a few snips and the old Schnozz will be as good as new.

Well, it didn’t quite work out that way. Turns out that nose surgery requires general anesthesia (which includes a tube down your throat). You wake up and find two plugs shoved into your nasal cavaties which makes breathing through your nose a physical impossibility (they did warn me that I might experience a sensation of “pressure”). Of course, your breathing is limited to being through your mouth and you’ve just had a tube jerked out of your throat.....so don’t mind me if I panic a bit because I simply cannot breath!

Then I had to endure plugs and packing for 24 hours. Finally, I went back to the doc to have the plugs taken out. They looked like pull-tabs you might find on a diet coke. He started pulling and it felt like one of those little cars in the circus where all the midgets keep getting out of the car and you know that they really couldn’t have been that many in there anyway. The sensation is one akin to having your brains sucked out with a McDonald’s straw.

Then, after everything is out, the doc pics up a long, skinny metal tube that has a 45 degree angle on it. I have no idea that he's about to violate my nasal cavity with the nefarious tube. He shoved it through my nose and proceeded to vacuum out the inside of my nasal cavity (much like the dentist’s saliva sucker). Man’s nose isn’t made to vacuum, and the tears were real, thank you.

Once the stuff was out, they tell me not to blow my nose for three or four days. What is the one thing that you want to do more than anything? Blow your nose of course. Oh, yea. They told me not to sneeze. Ya think? With the inside of my nose sewn together with silly string, the last thing I want to do is sneeze the insides of my nose out.

Well, the vicodin was rolling. I felt pretty good as long as I was doped up. They don’t tell you, though, that as soon as the drugs are gone, you feel like a herd of elephants is tromping around inside of your head. Oh yea, you can just imagine the pretty colors of the things I was spitting and blowing out of my nasal cavities.

All in all, the whole idea seems to be a bad one. What exactly was I thinking? Was I thinking? They tell me that next week I will wake up singing the praises of the procedure. We’ll see. In the meantime, I’ve got elephants to round up.

Blawgerman.