How Do I Hate Me? Let Me Count the Ways (Sucks to Be Me)

It has come to my attention that some of my writing may be offensive to others. That doesn’t really surprise me because I am often offensive to others. If you find some of the stuff that I write interesting, it is precisely because I am different and view things differently than most. However, there are some things that you guys should know because......it sucks to be me.

I am fat. When I get in my Suburban I violate the weight restrictions on most of the roads around my house. The only good thing about being fat is that someday, when famine comes, I will be dancing on all the skinny peoples’ graves.

I am a hillbilly (on my Mom’s side). My cousin drove three states to my grandmother’s funeral only to discover his teeth were still in a mason jar in Kentucky. All of my cousins had dentures by high school (no lie). My mother’s name was Donna Lou and my grandmother was Gussie May. So when I say it sucks to be a hillbilly....I know.

I am a lawyer. I make money on other people’s problems. I get 33% of the recovery on people’s injuries. I get them divorced. I get them out of trouble with the law. I hear every good and bad lawyer joke on the planet.

I am a salesman. I sell real estate as a broker. I used to sell copiers and fax machines. I used to be a Frito Lay route salesman.

I am a Preacher. I preach in church. I was a student minister at an Ivy League college.

I am Cuban. My dad speaks like Ricky Ricardo on I Love Lucy. My aunt was a “Bruja” or witch. She made money (a lot) casting spells on other poor, superstitious Cubans and Hispanic Americans.

To put things all together, I am a fat-hillbilly-Cuban-Preacher-Salesman-Lawyer. Is it any wonder that I offend people? It’s not that I really try....it just comes naturally. I hope that you take my writing as it is intended. It is supposed to make you sit back and take a look at things from a different perspective. If it makes you think and sometimes laugh, I will consider my writing a success.

Blawgerman